"With age comes inner strength and the power of not caring what others think to validate who I am." ~ Paulette Klein
With age comes wisdom.
With wisdom comes clarity.
With clarity comes reflection and introspection.
I've always said , both here on the blog and in person, people constantly change. If one tries to stay the same over months and years, life stagnates. Life is meant to be lived, to be enjoyed, to be treasured. It can be exciting, exhilarating, and adventuresome, or it can be the same-song-different-day ordeal of dragging ourselves around and plodding along.
Growing up, being a girl wasn't a respected trait. I was the ripe old age of 5 when Title IX of the Civil Rights Act was passed to bar schools who received financial aid from discriminating against females in education- based programs and activities. It was 7 years AFTER I was born that women could obtain a loan or buy a home without a husband's signature. I was 26 years old before it was made a crime to commit "marital rape" in all 50 United States. Even now, in 2024, mediocre male athletes who can't cut the grade in men's sports are allowed to pose as "transgender females" to compete against women making a mockery of the work done to get Title IX passed in the first place. Women have fought hard to be heard and we are still having to argue and defend the right to even have an opinion without being made to feel ridiculous, illogical or downright stupid.
Take the recent "man vs bear" debate. A social media influencer asked 8 women, "If you were alone in the woods, would you rather run into a bear or a man you didn't know?" This is an opinion question - eliciting a one-or-the-other answer. No different than asking a woman, "Do you prefer chocolate or strawberry ice cream." or "If you could select from the following, which meal would you prefer: Shrimp scampi or Steak Diane." The answer will be based on past experience, personal taste, and perception. The social media question has sparked a HUGE debate leaving men angry and women frustrated as it (again) emphasizes the lack of understanding that women have the right to their own opinions EVEN IF men don't find it agreeable. Our opinions are not designed to soothe the male ego.
The majority of men would define themselves as a "good guy" and that's wonderful. . .and maybe they are, but as a lone woman, I don't know that. Based on past experience, there's always a risk that the "good guy" can turn into a complete jerk. If you watch other social media posts showing women being approached by strange men, it's apparent that some men who say they are "good guys" actually aren't good guys because they don't accept the rejection of a simple "no thank you" or "no thanks, I'm good" or "I appreciate it, but I'd rather be left alone" until it escalates into threats to call the police (at which point she is usually referred to as a 'bitch'). Pleas from the woman to be left alone ensue or even worse, sexual violence when the "good guy" gets angry and has to prove the point that he can show power over the woman and take what he wants despite her protests.
The questions is quite simple, really. Choose one or the other: bear or strange man. The setting is being alone in the woods. There is no one else to help you. The overwhelming majority of women's gut response is to take their chances with the bear.
Statistics shouldn't come into play - comparing the statistics of bear attacks vs sexual assaults is ridiculous. There is no need to compare the numbers of bears to the numbers of men. Discussing the different types of bears and their habitats is moot. Throwing statistics into the mix is an attempt to muddy the water and downplay the very valid opinions. You might as well pat the little woman on the head and tell her that she doesn't realize what she's saying or that she hasn't thought it through. Which again, comes to my point - women have made great strides but our opinions are not valued or validated if it disagrees with the viewpoint of men.
I shared a post on Facebook that details the top 10 reasons women would rather run into a bear. A male acquaintance was very vehement that this reasoning was "stupid." I interpret that to mean that because HE hasn't had those experiences with other men, the fact that the majority of women HAVE had those experiences causing them to form the opinion to meet up with a bear . . . well, you know . . .those precious fluff-headed girls just don't understand!!!!
I discussed the topic of "man vs bear" with another close male friend and the response was to deflect and change the subject, instead bringing up the way women dress in the gym and then get upset when guys look at them. First of all, how did we move from the forest to the gym? Second of all, why does a woman have to wear baggy sweats to the gym (which was suggested)? Go into a gym and the walls are covered with mirrors, why? So the people working out can see themselves as they exercise, right? They can see their form and the targeted muscles moving. Some use it as motivation. The argument was given that "men are visual creatures." Agreed. You can be a visual creature without staring, leering, ogling, making sexual gestures, or making sexual innuendo or outright comments. Honestly, some men act like they are 8 year-old boys who have never seen a woman's body - their lack of emotional control is pathetic. Men like to show their power and control, so they can start by exercising it by having some control over their reactions and comments. BE the good guy!
The second male I specifically discussed this with, when given the "man vs bear" scenario and told that the majority of women chose the bear, responded right off the bat by saying, "That's crazy!" My response was to ask for an explanation of why the female opinion is "crazy." Because the bear will kill you! Both situations are "maybe" in the result. The bear may back off and lumber back into the woods. The strange man might actually be a "good guy" who is lost in his own thoughts and barely notices you, walking along his own path. On the flip side, the bear may see you as a threat and maul you to death. Painful and terrifying though it would be, the bear does not have the ability to demoralize, or assault (verbally, emotionally or sexually). We expect other humans to recognize our humanity and treat us accordingly, but sadly in most women's experience that doesn't happen. It's not just grown women who are accosted by men, it's prepubescent girls who are starting to mature that face the threat of unwanted attention simply through default of being female.
I would simply ask men to take this quiz and give yourself a point for everything you've ever done:
- Wolf whistle at a woman that you don't personally know.
- Make a sexual innuendo towards a woman you are not dating or with whom you are not in a relationship
- Pressed a woman for continued conversation after she has said "no" or "no thank you"
- Insisted on buying a woman something to drink after a refusal
- Followed a woman you found attractive to see where she worked, lived, shopped, etc.
- Commented on a woman's body, unasked or uninvited to give an opinion
- Continued to ask for a woman's number or cajole her after she's made a point of saying she's not interested
- Expected a woman to be intimate with you because you paid for a date
- Held a conversation with a woman and argued over her opinion on something
If you're score is more than 0, you either have been or continue to be part of the reason women choose the bear.
One of the best male responses was a gentleman on TikTok who share a reel of himself walking through the woods. He explained that he had really struggled with understanding the women's perspective on the issue of "man vs bear." He had actually gone into the woods for a quiet moment of reflection and achieved clarity on the subject. His moment of understanding came when he was able to realize that while he is a "good guy" the question is not a reflection on himself, it's not about any individual man. It's about men's behavior as a collective and the women's perception of men's response to rejection. He didn't have the same perspective of men, but he could relate his perspective of law enforcement. As a black man, he is uncomfortable around police officers. Hearing a siren, having a police car next to him in traffic, or behind him - simply because of his past experience with law enforcement causes him to feel anxious. He's not a wanted felon, he isn't doing anything wrong, and he admits there are probably good police officers out there. When more men can make the attempt to see the question from a woman's perspective, change will occur.
The conversation should never have been about whether women were making the best choice. The debate should have been looking at ways to hold men accountable so that women don't have to hold a perception of fear around strange men.
Sadly, as I prepared to write this post, I momentarily stopped to question what the pushback would be from male readers. Females have and still are expected to be nurturing, peacable, and conforming creatures. I personally don't give two hoots whether any reader agrees with me on this post as we are all allowed to have our own opinions.
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