My plan for last weekend was to lead another mini retreat. However, the first round of school sicks hit me, and I'm working through a head cold/sinus infection. I knew when I planned this retreat that I wanted to focus on the word "move". It can be finished with so many other words to make unique statements: move on, move up, move in, movement, etc. My retreat ideas always start from a place of things that I have needed in the past. And for me, this one hit a little closer to home than usual. This year, I had to move on from one of my best friends. It was devastating. And something that I am still processing as the ripple effects keep coming through. And so I need to move on.
It's really hard for me to walk away from things that aren't serving me. It's hard when I have spoken my truth and the other person just continues to tell me I am wrong. Admittedly, I shut down. I ignored any of the incoming communications because I just needed time to process (being an HSP and empath means that it often takes me longer to identify which feelings are my own and which are attributed to someone else). Well, this wasn't received well. And that caused me to shut down even more. I'm a firm believer in "if it isn't adding to your life, it's okay to walk away". And that's what I did.
I was accused of a lot of things in the process. My character was attacked. I was told how I wasn't the same person I used to be (no shit, if you aren't growing and trying to be better, then what are you doing?) I don't feel like I owe this person an explanation for my actions. I wrote several responses that I never sent. But I realized that they were all just trying to convince this person of things they would never believe. We didn't see the situations the same way, and we never would. And spending my time and energy trying to make them understand or see my. side just wasn't worth it. Did I care at that point that they believed I had become a cold-hearted, disrespectful, inconsiderate person? Yes, I did. But also, no I didn't. I was tired of being treated like an after thought. This was my reality, not theirs. And any time I shared my feelings they were quickly shut down. It felt like gaslighting.
It was hard to move on. It was hard to walk away. There were lots of ripples and other people who were affected by my decisions. But I held true to what I knew to be best for me. And I do not regret that one bit. Moving on meant a grieving period. It meant not being able to pick up the phone and text when something happened that this person would appreciate. It meant sadness with certain shared memories and experiences. And it meant fractures in other relationships. But, it also allowed other friendships to strengthen. It meant more time doing things I love and not sitting in my feels so much. I felt...lighter. And that was worth everything.
And here I am, on the other side. But I know what I needed from my experience (unfortunately one of many). If I can help someone else process and work through a "move" situation, then I want to be able to do so. I truly believe that my experiences should be shared and what I have learned along the way may give helpful perspectives for others. Just like the experiences of others before me have helped me and informed choices that I have made as well.
Here's hoping you are able to Move today.
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