"What the actual fuck?" I repeated for the umpteenth time, but it didn't help. I rang the doorbell again and again, but no footsteps were approaching. There were a handful of letters on the doorstep, indicating my parents really hadn't been home for a few days, at least. 

While I was yelling and kicking the door, Joon had gone to the neighbours' house, inquiring whether my parents might have mentioned going on holiday. 

He was currently standing in front of house number four, a big bag of apples pressed into his arms. So far, each of my neighbours had more spare fruits than actual information. He jogged back over to me, shaking his head. 

"Nothing?"

"No one seems to know a thing," he confirmed. "This is strange indeed."

"Tell me 'bout it."

"And your parents for sure haven't mentioned anything to you about going on holiday or anything like that?"

I shook my head. "We haven't talked in ages. Are you going to file a missing person report now?"

Joon inspected the dated letters on the porch. "This should be sufficient proof that they haven't been home for more than 24 hours. Let's get to the precinct. We have to speak to the local police, but I know two of the officers fairly well." 

We hopped back into the cruiser, driving to the police station. This was just like my parents. All that commotion about self-isolation and not leaving the house whatsoever only to then fuck off on holiday a few weeks later. Hypocrites. 

"Who's your parents emergency contact?" Joon asked.

I shrugged. "How am I supposed to know? It's certainly not me, that's for sure. Why do you ask?"

"Because phoning all local hospitals would be among the first things the police will do upon your report." 

"Bah! They're not sick, they're on a fucking holiday."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know my parents."

"You hadn't known about your mother's breast cancer two years ago," Joon reminded me with a raised eyebrow.

"Fine," I huffed and crossed my arms. "I don't know every single little detail about my parents' life. But I feel it, you know. I would have known if they were ill or sick. I'm telling you. They're vacationing."

"If you're so convinced they're on vacation, why fill in a missing person report in the first place?"

I bit my lip, balled my fists and punched the dashboard. 

"Hey!"

"Sorry," I grumbled. "They were the ones authorising what had been done to Jimin. I didn't even know…It was supposed to be my name and my address on all documentation. I was the one paying all bills…" I paused, scratched the back of my head. "Well, with your help that is."

Joon nodded but otherwise remained quiet for a moment. "You might not wanna hear that, but have you considered that this perhaps had been the right decision?"

"Right decision? Drilling a hole into my brother?" My voice had risen by one and a half octaves.

Joon stopped the car. Thanks to the flashing lights and howling siren, no one complained that he had done so in the middle of a busy street. "Jimin hadn't been eating or drinking. You have just seen his malnourished body at the hospital for yourself. Something needed to be done."

"He needs psychological help. The doctor said so himself."

Joon turned to me. "It may not look it, but speaking to a psychologist is not easy. Especially when you're in a situation where words may not come easy. Don't forget that Jimin isn't as eloquent as you or I. This is not going to be a one-off conversation, but probably several appointments over a couple of months. What was the doctor supposed to do? They couldn't wait another two or three weeks for Jimin to start eating or drinking again. He would have starved himself to death by then."

I opened my mouth. I understood what Joon was trying to say. I really did. "But a feeding tube? Couldn't they have started with a less invasive solution?"

"That I don't know. I'm not a doctor. But…"

"Exactly. You're not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. But it is my right to get a second opinion from one. Had I known what was going on, I'd have consulted with Dr Han—or someone else. I would have tried to get more information before I agreed or disagreed with something like that."

Joon had restarted the car to the relief of everyone around us. "How do you know that this isn't what your parents have done?"

"I don't know… because I didn't talk to them," my voice took on a sarcastic note. "It's a funny story, you see…it's because I can't FUCKING FIND THEM."

"Okay, okay… I get you," Joon admitted. "I would also suggest you file an official complaint."

"You? Suggest? I? Formally? Complain?" This didn't sound like Mr Heal-the-world in the slightest.

Joon shrugged. "I mean, if you've been appointed Jimin's legal guardian, they shouldn't be able to authorise anything. Someone clearly fucked up."

"Yeah, I need to speak to someone about this… Ms Eli had given me the number for a helpline. I don't really know any of the legal shit. And whatever the administration manager at MOTS house said sounded rather complicated." I shrugged. Apparently, there was a difference between being a guardian and a legal guardian, and apparently, I was lacking some pieces of paper that made me my brother's keeper… and I think I confused a million things. From a legal point, my parents had just as much say in everything related to Jimin, although they didn't pay a single nickel or dime towards his care.

"But wasn't it what you wanted? To get them more involved?"

"I don't know. I mean…I think they should have been… I kinda wanted them to help paying for Jimin's care, because MOTS house isn't cheap, but that's no longer any concern, I suppose."

"How come—?"

—But before I could respond, Joon hit the breaks and came to a screeching halt. Ahead of us was an orchestra of a million shards. My heart pounded. I stared at the blue Polo ahead of us with bulging eyes… 

…Or rather what was left of it. 

The Ford crashing into it had fared a little better, but the hood was standing like a soldier and steam rose from the engine. Another driver, who didn't have Joon's reflexes pressed his brake a fraction too late.

I hoped no one sat in the Ford's backseat. 

Before I was able to fully comprehended what just happened, Joon had already called for reinforcement and was now darting from the car. Before I was even done blinking, he was bent between the spot where the Ford and Polo had crashed, barking orders at bystanders. 

I got out of the car to join him. I might not have had much use for the certificate, but I was a qualified first aider myself. Which meant that whether I felt confident or not, technically, I was trained for this shit. 

Only now did I realise that the three cars hadn't been the only ones involved in the accident. In the middle of the crossing lay the several jigsaw puzzle-sized pieces that once used to be an electric scooter. Trying to prepare for the worst, I looked for the rider. 

"Yoongs, there is nothing you can do. Check on the Ford." Joon shouted from the direction of the Polo. 

There is nothing I can do. The person was dead. My stomach jolted. 

As if on autopilot, I approached the Ford and opened the door to the driver's seat. The old lady behind the wheel wasn't unconscious, but in severe shock. Her eyes were widened and her hands were shaking uncontrollably. She was muttering something to herself, but it was hard to make out a word. Her lips were quivering too hard. 

Totally out of my comfort zone, I did what I think I remembered, even though I realised this didn't make any sense on a conscious person: I checked for breathing and a heartbeat, then contemplated whether I should put her into a recovery position. Idiot. 

"Hyung! Check for injuries. Wounds, blood, that kind of stuff." Came Joon's voice from the other car. I nodded. 

"Madam? My name is Yoongi. Can you hear me? Are you okay?" I asked while unfastening her seatbelt. She didn't respond, but slumped forward, seemingly exhausted. She was wearing a pale blouse and cream trousers. Injuries should have been easy to spot, but at least on the outside, she seemed to be unharmed. I checked her back, had a look at the cloud of white hair. Nothing. Was I supposed to leave her in the car? 

I glanced towards Joon, hoping for guidance, but saw him administering chest compressions on a less lucky victim. The old lady suddenly glanced up at me and let out a loud gasp. She then looked around frantically, as if she'd just noticed what had happened. "Umm, you were involved in a car accident," I told her. "Let me help you get out of the vehicle."

The lady was about half my size and light as a feather. We walked at the pace of an injured snail on a salt trail. If I were to take a guess, I'd have said she was at least a hundred years old, and should have given up driving somewhere around the last millennium. 

There was no proper place to sit down anywhere, so I decided to take her to the police cruiser, knowing Joon had a warm blanket and some coffee stored. We were just trying to navigate around an obstacle when I noticed something rising and falling. It was a body. With a heartbeat.

The scooter dude Joon had asked me to ignore. He was still alive. 

Torn between taking the old lady to the cruiser and helping the guy on the ground, I decided to simply point her in the direction of the car with the flashing lights on top. It was another three meters, not more. She would manage on her own. 

I bent down to scooter dude, tried to check if he was still breathing, but when I carefully tried to slightly shift him, I gasped. I didn't have any profound medical knowledge, but the worm-like things protruding from his stomach looked a lot like… I swallowed down my bile. I needed to help, not wasting my time with vomiting. 

There was nothing but a gaping wound where a face was supposed to be, and I wasn't sure how in the world I was supposed to check for any breathing. Heck, I wasn't sure how to give mouth to mouth if there was none left. 

The chest was still rising and falling—although jerking might have been the better description of it. It was like watching a flailing fish out of water, with no bucket or sea close by. Again, I looked to Joon for guidance, but he was still pushing up and down the other victim's chest, administering mouth to mouth to an intact face. 

There was a siren in the distance. More help was on the way. But what was I supposed to do in the meantime?

"Do…do…you know first aid?" I asked one of the bystanders, but that person was busy getting a perfect angle and the best Shitstagram filter. "Hey, you!" I called them again. "You're a twat, you know that! You're supposed to help—or fuck off!"

Twat pretended not to hear me. 

"Oh shit!" Someone else shrieked at that moment, then there was a blunt impact. Like a body being hit by a car. I sprung up to have a look, and my stomach dropped to the ground. It was the old lady I had directed to Joon's police cruiser. She had wandered off into the wrong direction, right into the opposite traffic and must have been hit at full speed. The driver opened the car door, glanced at the too still body, glanced at me, shrugged, and drove off. Range Rover, dark purple. I tried to memorise the licence plate. 

Scooter dude's body started to convulse. Although I had never seen anything like that before, I knew… I just knew that there was nothing I could do. I should have run over and check on the old lady. But this dude on the ground was fucking dying. And while he no longer had a face, based on the pudgy hands, the clothes, the backpack—the same brand I'd seen Joon carry on occasion, he couldn't have been any older than myself. 

I took the guy's hand, squeezing it. Trying to reassure him he wasn't alone, although I wasn't sure he was still here, mentally. I kinda hoped he wasn't. The intestines, the scraped off face… I hoped he was in complete obliviation, already having falling into deep sleep, and only waiting for his body to follow. From my peripheral vision, I saw someone else rushing to the elderly lady on the ground, relieved that someone else was assisting rather than just standing around and gawking, like the majority of people. 

The howling of the sirens became more prominent. I could already see the flashing lights drawing patterns on the road. I didn't know whom I was hoping for: An ambulance, another police car, the firefighters… Anyone, who was able to take over and tell me what to do because my ability to make any decisions was nonexistent. 

The convulsing slowed. Not much longer, and the guy's ordeal would be over. I continued stroking his hands, "my name is Yoongi, I'm here. Don't worry, you're not alone, dude." I chanted, praying this nightmare would be ending soon. 

My eyes shifted back to the old lady. The person looking after her hadn't rolled her in into a recovery position. They weren't doing chest compressions, nor did they do mouth to mouth. They simply stood up, shook their head, and left. 

Ice cold shivers ran down my back. My vision distorted behind my tears. Had I done what Joon asked, we would have only had one casualty instead of two. 

"Hey mate, how ya doing?" A hand was clasped on my shoulder. "My name is Eun, I'm with the ambulance." A blanket got wrapped around my shoulders and someone—Eun, I presumed—tried to help me up. 

"I-I'm n-not one of the v-victims," I tried to press between chattering teeth.

"My colleagues are taking care of the others," Eun advised. "Now, let's get you looked at."

"I-I d-don't n-n…" I started to protest, but Eun had already pushed me towards a vehicle with flashing lights. "You quite sure about this?" He asked. 

"I..I…I tried to help," I muttered. "I don't think I did a good job." Should I be telling this? What if I got arrested for killing this lady?

"Any help is appreciated. You tried your best and this is all we ask."

"But…" Tears were now spilling freely from my face. "If I would have done as I was told, the old lady would still be alive."

Eun sat me down at the back of the car, pressed a bottle of water in my hands, and started checking my pulse. "Why didn't you do as asked?"

"I…" I recalled what happened, needing several breaks to collect my thoughts. 

Eun nodded, humming as I finished my tale. 

"Rationally speaking, Officer Kim has been correct. If there is nothing to be done to help a victim, check for the next. The idea is to help as many people as possible in the most effective way."

I nodded. It had sounded so logical in my own first aid training.

"But it's different when you're actually confronted with such a scenario. And it's much more difficult to act rationally." 

I tried to swallow the big clot in my throat. This had been the most overwhelming experience of my life. Eun reached for my hands and I noticed I was still shaking all over. The bottle of water was still unopened. Eun twisted the lid for me. "Here. Drink. You will feel better."

"But…."

"You can't help everyone. I can't help everyone. It had been hard on me too when I started working for the ambulance services. And I made wrong decisions, too. We're only humans. All we can do is try our best. And that's what you did. And we thank you for this. A lot of people these days rather gawk than help. You did the right thing."

"I…I would never…" 

A police officer was approaching us, hat in his hands. "Mr Min?"

"That's me?" I tried to get up on shaking legs. I wondered whether this man had a different view of things than Eun. 

"You're friends with Officer Kim Namjoon?" 

"Y…yes…?" I rather hoped he still was my friend after today's failure. 

"How you're holding up?" 

Instead of answering, I started to shake again. The police officer clapped my back. "You did well, kid."

But I didn't. If it hadn't been for my error in judgement… I gulped. "W-where is Joon?" 

"Here," came a second voice, then Joon sat down next to me, took my bottle of water and gulped half of it down, then handed it back to me. "You really should have a sip, too. You're not looking well."

Mechanically, I drank a droplet or two. I didn't feel thirsty. "I'm sorry. If I'd done as you asked…"

Joon shook his head. "Don't be sorry. You did great. You jumped into action, assisted the best way you could. Didn't freeze on the scene. This was tough, Yoongi. Telling you to walk past the boy wasn't easy for me either. I hate to leave a dying person to their own devices, especially one that young. It took a toll on me just as much as it took a toll on you."

"But you didn't make the same mistake."

"But I did. We all did." Joon gestured towards the other officer and Eun, who both nodded.

"The difference between us and yourself is that we're accustomed to seeing those kinds of accidents and incidents. But when I was still a rookie, I did exactly what you did—against the direct order of my superior. It's a tough lesson to learn." 

"I could never do this for a living. I…" I shook my head. 

"Things get easier with time," Eun half-grinned. "Now you had three people telling you that you did great, and thanking you for your assistance. Perhaps, you start trying to believe it yourself." 

Previous Chapter
Overview
Next Chapter