Foster care. Adoption. Trauma-informed parenting. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). So much has been written. So little understood. Everyone lives their own version--there are few universals except: it's awful.

One of my adoptive daughters is bonding beautifully. She came as an older infant with less baggage than her older sister. Today, an example of a healthy bond. She's always bitten her nails. Does it unconsciously while watching TV. I hate to nag and struggled to help her but when she's abusing herself till her fingers are red, raw and bleeding, I can't do nothing. About a year ago I found a bitter-tasting product you paint on just like nail polish. She was not thrilled. At first. Then she started to notice how much better her fingers felt when she wanted to dig in the dirt, for example.

Today she asked me to put it on her. She requested it. She noticed she was biting her nails again after a bit of a hiatus and she wanted the reminder. Amazing. Such a healthy and positive response.

My older adoptive daughter is doing pretty good, actually. Better than she's been in about a year. We had a break-though, with the help of our therapist, about two months ago and we're seeing a meaningful difference in her. She's been so much happier and authentic and, for the first time since she arrived three years ago, I truly feel like she's starting to bond.

Just starting.

Three years of waiting and trying and failing and questioning and giving up hope and then just slogging through without any hope. I've been in the slog for so long. Choosing to maintain a positive attitude for the sake of the family but, secretly, knowing we were trapped on a path to a horrible future I could not prevent.

And then this breakthrough! Cautious optimism at first. Then outright celebration between my husband and I as we compared notes at day's end and reveled in her new joy and peace. And then, today, not so much a set-back but an unveiling of behavior so yes, it's true, thank God, she is bonding with me but no, no, no, she has not yet even begun to learn the first thing about a healthy relationship with other people. No, she won't trust anyone else. Yes, she will self-sabotage every single new relationship in an attempt to shield her heart from hurt.

I dealt with both daughters' issues back-to-back tonight. Literally walked from one room to the next. The warmth and high of a healthy bond! Then the crash of witnessing the depth of the hurt behind the unhealthy bond. Emotional whiplash. This is what trauma-informed parenting is.

I am grateful she's doing better. I really am. I stopped and focused on that for a minute to center myself. But. That gap. The gap between the actions of a healthy vs unhealthy child might look so small from the outside and yet, the chasm spreads wider than I can bridge. There is so much more healing for her to do. So much work.

Tomorrow we are scheduled to take family pictures. She is a beautiful child and she is excited about the special outfit I bought for her. She will look happy in the pictures. We will look like a whole and happy family. No one will know how exhausted I am. And how wounded she is.