"When the Spring came… there were no problems except where to be happiest. The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits."
Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast
When life forces you to slow down, you should be grateful. It is a blessing bestowed against your will. A blessing you did not know you yearned for.
I sat those four days in my home, immovable and on the edge of sleep. Crawling out into the garden and into Spring to soak up the sun. Like a plant thirsty for warmth. My pale face and the raw underside of my nose reminded me that I was unwell, but inside me my soul rested.
The child which also sapped my energy, moved deep within me. My placenta was a barrier to feeling its kicks. But deep down in my bowels, where he was exposed to my body, I could feel him turning. It gave me a keen joy one experiences very infrequently in life. Yet when it happens it sees so banal and ordinary you almost don't notice it. Until he is gone and separate from you. I resolve to not let these moments pass by unnoticed.
I do so only because I have been given the time to reflect. A blessing.
All plans are cancelled while I coalesce. And I realise how necessary it is to cancel plans. To not see others, and not therefore be exposed to their needs and yearnings. It allows you to drill down deeper to yourself.
To read, to think, to really feel what is around you. A morning spent sitting outside with my son. What else is there?
A moment to drink in the moment when the light warmth of Spring yields to the more aggressive heat of summer. The Spring flowers scorched beneath it. The way I am scorched beneath ceaseless striving towards okayness. Who knew it was here all along?
It is here. Drink it in and be grateful for the pause.
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