For a woman who had never been allowed participation in any type of sports, springing the race against death on her was very unfair. She counted days until the pathology results were back and then waited until her formal appointment with the oncologist was done and she was given a treatment plan.
Now the going was getting tough. Telling Asiya and Rasheed was going to be hard, she could tell. Nasima offered to accompany her but she didn't want anyone to be present when her parents lost the ground underneath their feet. It wasn't the most graceful position to be in. Creating a spectacle had always been so not her nature. She had lived a life of hidden existence. Somehow, the limelight had still managed to get her.
She entered the familiar home where her joy and pain had lived together. Kausar's despondent drawl at not being allowed another outing came from nowhere. Bushra's loud chirping on the phone with this friend or that seemed to have eternally mixed in the air of this house. In one corner, Saira was loudly complaining about the in-laws who were toxic, of the husband who was distant. Her sisters' unhappy lives had mixed in the very foundation of this house.
Noor had taken his first steps in this veranda. When Zehra was born, Rasheed had put up a swing in the front lawn. Even though Zehra had never used it, everyone called it Zehra's swing.
In the same veranda she had paced back and forth as Hamza talked incessantly about past lovers over the phone. Guess there were flags! Big, huge, red flags! Some women, savvier than her, would've run in the other direction. Her inexperience with men had landed her a husband who could never be trusted.
"Rabi!" Asiya's high-pitched voice pierced her cognition. Her mother, the matriarch of the family, the strongest woman she had known and the most willful, had ecstasy written all over her face at the sight of her first born.
"Ami!" She hugged Asiya, "Where's Abba?"
"Rabia is here!" Asiya announced. Presently Rasheed was by her side.
"Why do you not come more often?" He complained as he hugged her, "And don't you know it's a crime to show up without our grandkids?"
"Well", Rabia laughed, "They hog you when they're here and I wanted you all to myself this time".
Her parents smiled. Her heart broke. Soon this picture of bliss would change. Soon their serene faces would fill with grief.
They had lunch together. Asiya always went all out when any daughter visited. Except Kausar, all of her daughters were loved and cherished by her a lot. Kausar had never been close and with time had gone further from her.
She could see Rabia had lost a lot of weight. It worried her. Unlike Saira, Rabia's problems were never announced by Rabia. She was more discreet and was likely burning inside. A wave of emotion came over her.
"Rabi! You're so thin. I understand you run after little kids all day but Noor is in school now. Nasima Baji helps you with Zehra. Why are you still so weak?"
"It's nothing, Ami!" She smiled, "I have better metabolism than all of you. I burn calories faster".
"It's still not normal though", Rasheed chimed in, "Just a month ago you looked better. You are so pale again. Beti! Dieting isn't the way to go with this weight".
"I'm not dieting, Abba!" She laughed, "I'm just not prone to being fat. And I care about what I eat. We all should".
Asiya shook her head. Rabia had other problems, she knew that. Her weight loss was on account of chasing a cheating husband, everyone could understand that.
After lunch they all sat in the family room sipping tea. She hadn't been this peaceful in a long time.
But this peace was short-lived. Soon this family room would drown under the sobs of her aging parents.
She looked at their faces. Rasheed's bird-like face with his intelligent eyes shining as he looked in the distance and squinted at who knew what. Asiya was sitting quietly, alert as always. There never was a complacent moment with her mother. She was always ready to solve a problem.
The word "cancer" had lost its fear and threat to her. She had heard it more than any other word in the last two months. Doctors used it without understanding how it made another dent in her soul. Or maybe they understood. Maybe they just wanted her to get used to it.
"How's Hamza?" Asiya asked reluctantly.
"He's good", Rabia said, "He started a new office somewhere in the Saddar area. Puts in long hours. Sometimes I don't see him for days".
At this point, everyone knew where Hamza was putting in long hours. Even if he was at the office all this time, it was so hard for him to gain anyone's trust back.
Rabia knew Hamza wasn't completely faithful to her. She hadn't told him about her illness. The truth was that she didn't think he deserved to know. She had seen him frantically texting people on his phone, secretly taking calls, staying out late. She had become astute. She had also become indifferent.
"Aunty thought I should come today to speak with you", It was time to share her big news with them, "Something is going on and she thought you should hear from me".
"Is it about Hamza?" Asiya asked sharply.
For the first time in her entire married life, she fervently wished for it to be another affair that her husband was having on her. Life could always get worse, she realized.
"No", She sipped cautiously, "It's about me".
"Is it about why you are losing weight?" Rasheed's voice was sharper than Asiya's.
For a father who had been absent for most of her life, he was certainly more astute than he was given credit for. He had caught on faster than Asiya, a woman so shrewd she could've planned an entire army's meals and lodgings, but somehow so nearsighted that Rabia's problems had never gone beyond marriage and husband to her.
"It is", She said, "I had a checkup a few months ago and then I had additional testing. I first thought I was losing the baby weight but the doctors say that my weight is only thirty percent of what it was before I was pregnant".
She avoided looking at Asiya's face where silent tears were fast pouring down. She didn't think she could ever look at her mother again.
It's weird to have cancer. For many people, it's embarrassing. It's a reminder that the gift of health isn't equitable. It shows a weak, maligned protoplasm. It's a letdown. She felt like she had let her parents down. They had raised her, educated her, married her off. They didn't have to deal with this too. She was supposed to be blissful in her happily ever after.
How did I end at the bottom of this totem pole? She asked herself with mounting resentment at everyone who enjoyed health and prosperity. One wasn't enough, I had to have many problems.
"What's going on, Rabi?" Finally Asiya couldn't take it any longer. Her voice sounded like it took a lot of strength to speak anything. She never looked fearful but she looked scared now. Her forehead was lined and her mouth was visibly downturned, like she was going to cry.
"I have ovarian cancer, Ami!" She finally said. Something crashed inside and then melted into hot lava that engulfed her. So many women in this world bring home good news to their parents. I'm bringing this? Shame on me!
Time stood still. Leaves rustled without the wind blowing through them. A lovely girl, not quite an adolescent but close to that age, walked briskly beside her beautiful mother. She chatted nonstop. Asiya strained at the memory. Rabia! Her firstborn! The woman who was her pride and envy. She was so beautiful.
The scene changed. A girl in her teens sat quietly as she heard of another man openly rejecting her hand in marriage. Asiya saw the silent tears and the quiet protest. She wanted to set fire to every man who had ever said no to the most precious girl in the whole world.
Now they were at Saira's wedding, Rabia bewitching in a red gharara. People eyed her with admiration and doubt. They wondered what was it that made it so hard for this girl to find a spouse. Something must be wrong with her, Asiya heard tongues wagging. She shrugged the aspersions off. Her Rabia was one in a million.
It changed to Kausar's wedding. Another sister who was younger than her but was picked out before her. Rabia dutifully looked to everything alongside Asiya.
In the journey of life, she hadn't been given a husband but she realized now that she was given a partner. Rabia was her life partner. She had always been there. Standing by her! This wasn't supposed to happen to her jewel.
She felt palpitations. Someone was squeezing her heart. She felt short of breath. Something that felt like a dull chest pain spread from the chest to the left arm and kept traveling down. As abruptly as it had started, it stopped. She pulled herself from the memories and looked at her once lovely daughter.
Rabia's face was drenched in tears. Thick, clear tears that were as honest as the woman they sprung from.
Asiya looked to her side. Rasheed was transfixed. He didn't cry or sob. He sat with the expression of a bereft existence. She felt sympathetic towards him. He had been dealt a bad hand too.
She pulled Rabia to herself and enveloped her in her arms. Her heart threatened to explode as she felt the bones on the once voluptuous body of her dear child. Someone whispered a sad song in her ears. It spoke of eternity being a sham. It spoke of love being unrequited always.
After many minutes, she looked at Rabia in her arms. She was snoring lightly. Maybe it took her many nights to muster the courage to bring this news home. She looked at Rasheed. He was still staring into space.
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