It's A Thing
I am forever changed by what I discovered: life is so beautiful and life is so hard. For everyone. Kate Bowler
The older I get, the more I notice the forces within me that create both happiness and havoc in my life. Okay, I might be a slightly damaged human being after living under a heap of false assumptions for decades, but I'm not alone in this dilemma, and my philosophy has always been better later than never.
They call us the Boomers, something large or notable. And yes, we are the first generation to retire without pensions or tattoos. We witnessed the rise of television and The Beatles simultaneously, and we're known for our resiliency and adaptability. Obviously, we literally made it to the moon and back.
We're also closely affiliated with the myth of happily ever after, and this might be our greatest challenge.
I hosted a group of friends for a girl's night in the other night. It was a warm evening, so we gathered at one end of my long patio table, surrounded by a plethora of appetizers, sparkling waters, wine, and friendship. It wasn't fancy. It wasn't perfect. It just was, and we were ever so grateful to have found a night that no one was traveling, working, or babysitting the grandkids.
Life is hectic even at our age.
Laughter was the dominant response to most of the stories we shared that evening, as were empathy, compassion, and grace, especially when things got dicey, difficult, and layered with both suffering and joy. We all went to the same high school, in fact three of us met our husbands in the hallways of Del Mar, or soon after graduating. We're old-school people-pleasers, but we also know how to compromise (hence the long marriages) and roll with the punches. We grew up in the shadow of Gloria Steinem, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Margaret Atwood, so we're quiet feminists, flying just below the cultural radar that remains unbalanced and polarized in many ways.
I thought we would chat for an hour or two, dust off the sushi and charcuterie, and be on our way, but the hours slipped by unnoticed and we lingered in the company of each other late into the evening. The patio lights went on, and eventually, the heater had to be ignited as we edged toward midnight.
I've known all of these ladies most of my life. Our little group included my sister Nancy, Kimmie, Lizzie, and Denise.
When I was younger, I used to believe happiness was circumstantial. You know what I mean? I thought I could create my own happiness by fostering the right circumstances. Kimmie and I were both going to marry Donny Osmond and live happily ever after as sister wives in Ogden, Utah. Bahaha. But that's not how it works. According to Stephanie Harrison, "Happiness is a skill, something that you do. Just like any other skill, it has to be cultivated."
As I age, I notice that my beloved peers have a lot in common. Around that very table, most of us are now orphans, having lost both parents. Some of us have lost friends, children, siblings, and one of us, her spouse. It seems as if we had enough experience with death to qualify for a PhD. I know that's totally morbid, but cumulatively, we have a hell of a lot of experience in this arena. It might have something to do with our age.
This means our pain comes from our lived experience, not theoretical or empirical.
We've all struggled with various hardships and disappointments, but we've also enjoyed a fair amount of privilege in our lives. Overcoming setbacks has expanded our grit and adaptability. We know how to learn from our mistakes and move on. But we also know how to take advantage of opportunities and look for the silver lining in just about any situation because anger and frustration are simply a waste of time. Ralph Waldo Emerson said that for every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I used to worry that beauty, youth, and joy would fade with age, but that is not what I am finding. Okay, the beauty and youth might be waning a bit, but our happiness is on the rise, and I believe it's because we're willing to work at it. Thank God we're the generation with a strong work ethic.
I'm a lot gentler with myself these days. I've slapped that interior voice into submission and forbid her to be judgmental, critical, or snarky with me. A few negative remarks slip out occasionally, but I'm much better at silencing that cynical voice because it's poison to my soul. In fact, I have a mirror in my closet (see the image above; please don't judge the mess), and I have written three affirmations and one question on the mirror that I see every morning, intentionally or not.
- I love you just the way you are.
- I'm grateful for this beautiful life.
- I forgive…
- How can I help?
I believe treating ourselves with love and respect leads to stronger mental health, longevity, and happiness. How could it not?
The other thing we all have in common is that we're either retired or considering retirement. This is a tricky stage for all of us because our contribution to the world has been our work (whether at home or in the workforce or both), and when you let that go, who are you, and how do you continue to serve? As we age, channeling our energy towards helping others is like taking a happy pill, and there is a healthy amount of research that claims having a purpose reduces the risk of dementia.
Hello? I need all the help I can get.
We might be taking care of grandkids, working at a local soup kitchen, mentoring a new mom, reaching out to an isolated and elderly neighbor, volunteering for a clean-up day at the park, walking with a peer through her breast cancer treatments, or reading to a child who happens to be a part of our world. We can plant trees, start a community garden, or set up a fundraiser for a cause we're passionate about. It doesn't matter what we do.
The magic is in helping, giving, and serving.
There are actually rules for happiness. I know it's annoying, but it's true. You have to have something to do, something to hope for, and, most importantly, someone to love. That came from Immanuel Kant. He was an Enlightenment thinker back in the day, so it must be true.
We all have wisdom, gifts, and talents that we can share, so don't be stingy. Pass it along.
Between those five ladies on the patio, we have experience with long marriages, special needs kids, caregiving, cooking, working for diversity, education, nurturing, finance, merchandising, selling, healing, coaching, partnering, leading, encouraging, and more.
Here's the good news: Scientists agree that the one factor that matters the most for our happiness is our relationships with other people. As we age, it's easy to become isolated or lose touch with our friends, who are crucial to our happiness.
Do not let that happen.
Gather, call, reach out, plan, and coordinate activities that build relationships. It has been discovered that the less satisfied we are with our relationships, the more likely we are to struggle with chronic conditions. So, spending time nurturing our relationships with the people we love is vital to our health and well-being.
The final contributing factor to ongoing happiness is to keep moving and keep growing, damn it. Don't get stuck thinking I'm too old to change or I am who I am, and that's just the way it is. No, we are not fossilized --yet. We can continue to be the best versions of ourselves year after year, but it takes courage and humility to reconstruct our lives over and over again, especially as we age.
Larry and I are planning on learning a new language (someday), cycling until we can no longer pedal, damn it, and we're trying to write a book together without killing each other or encroaching on each other's personal space. It's an ongoing process. We screw up. We try again.
Larry was out riding with the guys while I was gathering the girls on the patio, and oh, what a night. We're doing it again next month, hopefully, and the month after that. It's never too late to prioritize what brings you happiness. In some circles, they call it radical self-care.
I like to call it aegis self-support, like an underwire bra, it lifts you up! You can quote me on that.
One day, we'll wake up from a restful night's sleep (if we're lucky) and realize our children are grown, our parents are gone, and we're entering the winter of our lives. And It happened so damn fast.
We must be diligent about creating opportunities to foster our relationships with others, even if it's only between that first glass of wine and the waning of the moon. I witnessed laughter rising from the core of our being just as a squirrel was crossing the wires along the back fence, and the ice was melting in our glasses. Yet we lingered around that long table, feet intertwined, hearts enmeshed until the only remains of the sun were reflected in the moon.
That damn clock is always ticking. We will never get ahead of it, only trailing after wondering where the hell it goes. Eventually, we realize life is not a race but a banquet, and happiness does not leave scars, just memories that will tug at you while you wash the dishes and fold the laundry. Sit, eat, put those phones away, gaze at the stars, linger around the table, and dwell in the miraculous presence of each other while we're still here. This is how we curate our own happiness and that elusive happily ever after.
I'm Living in the Gap, searching for that elusive happiness, how about you?
The smallest shift in our thinking, or a simple change in lifestyle, can result in a massive amount of happiness. Grow Damn It is waiting patiently for you.
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