Sometimes, leaving home is for the sake of our own, survivals, because living with our families of origins, we feel, too much pressures, and with the genetic predispositions of mental illness, then, it would be more than likely, that we start, developing psychosis, and this woman got out, because she didn't want to have what happened to her two older sisters, happen to her, and it still, hadn't happened, and maybe it never, will…translated…
Suddenly, My Most Beautiful, with the Most Number of Suitors', Second Eldest Sister Fell, Ill, and, it Wasn't of the "Normal" Sort of Illness, But the Tabooed Mental Disorder, What Others Called, "Psycho", "Crazy"……………
Shortly after I'd arrived in Taiwan, there would always be those who'd asked why I'd, come? For money? For love? Or some, other, reasons? I'd interviewed a ton of migrants too, and knew, that they all had different motives for coming to Taiwan, and tried asking my own self: at the time, it wasn't, for money, nor for love, so, why did I, come here? Could it have something to do with this secret I'd, carried inside of my, heart?
Every Hospitalized Patient is Different
I was born in a huge family with five siblings, I have two older sisters, and two younger brothers. The year it'd happened, my eldest sister who'd graduated from high school had enlisted in the armed services, my second eldest was in her third year of high school, I, second year in middle school, my two younger brothers in their, elementary school years. Then suddenly, my second eldest sister, with the most suitors, fell gravely, ill, and it wasn't some ordinary illness, but what others called, "crazy!", the psychological disorder.
illustration from UDN.com
She is at the prime of her youth, and looked exactly like Princess Diana of England, in her hairstyle and the shape of her face, she was my, idol, and the one whom I'd felt, the closest to in the family. I didn't know what was going on with her, only knew, that she couldn't, fall asleep at night at all. Mom tried her best, to find the witch doctors, getting the rancid smelling liquid medicines, and, she'd had all of us, force fed the drugs to her, and my second eldest got furious, started screaming and yelling. And, as we ran out of options, the families finally checked her into the psych ward, while, I was the only one who'd checked in with her, to look after her.
The place was about an hour away from where we lived, with the gates locked down at all times, the entire hospital was fenced in, the trees by the sides of the hospital, covered up the roads, there were the rows of small one-floor apartments, around the gazebo and the garden. From our room, we can see outside the fences, that there were, NO one else there, too quiet. This wasn't like the stereotype of the people yelling and screaming in the psych ward, and, it got so quiet at night we could hear the rustling leaves, fall.
After my older sister had been medicated, she would sleep soundly, while I'd, begun, going around, to socialize. Everybody has a different condition s/he is in for, some had entered in, checked out, frequently, by the weeks. Hsiung, who was a handsome man, the man that left an everlasting impression on me, he'd returned from a failed business venture in Germany, and was, hospitalized, he was tall, with a square face, pale complexion, with the face resembling that of an European or an American, and gave me the compliments, "in a few years, you will grow to be, a true, beauty.", I'd felt, that people here, are normal, that they're not, that, scary at all.
Fear Caused Me to Come Across the Oceans to Taiwan
Two months later, my second eldest sister was back to normal, continued to finish her high school educations, then, went to Hanoi for her community college studies. A few months before her graduation, she'd decided to get married, and stay in Hanoi. I'd gone to Hanoi to study later as well, and that was when I'd learned, that she'd married, because she wanted to escape home, to escape all whom she knew. Luckily, she was on the rise there, started up her own company, and, was able to, use her talents in designing, with her children and husband, and she'd, slowly, gotten off the medications, like she had, nothing to do with that part of her, past.
And yet, my eldest sister who'd always put others first, had a, completely, different, fate. To reduce the economic stress of our home, she'd enlisted, three years after serving, she was discharged, took two years of accounting courses, entered into a large firm to work. Or maybe, it was because of her lacking in work experiences, being under too much, stress, she had the same psychological breakdown as my second eldest sister had, and needed to be hospitalized.
At the time, I was studying in Hanoi, couldn't be there to care for her, and yet, as she was discharged from the mental ward, she couldn't go back to work, and can, only, stay at home for the rest of her life to recover. I'd often wondered, was it because of how simple her life had been, and how life in the armed services was, isolated from the real world, that she'd returned back to the real world, and had troubles adapting to the pressures, and that was what caused her mental illness?
And I, became, the LAST daughter who'd not had any, psychological illness. "or maybe, I will have it one day" became my constant fear. I was originally able to stay close to my home to go to college, but I'd, selected to go to community college in Hanoi like my second eldest sister. After graduation, I'd stayed in the big city, and began working in a motorcycle part import agency of China.
If by leaving home, then, this sort of a bad fate wouldn't, happen to me, and I get to, end this, genetic, inheritance? The secrets became a, driving force, it'd made me say goodbye to the man I was in a relationship with, and, with the expectation of being the survivor, forcing me to select a path that I can't, go back, and finally, I'd, arrived in, Taiwan.
And now, the secrets are out, not because I want pity, I just wanted it off my heart, to stop burdening my own self. And, it'd been, over twenty years since I'd come, and, I didn't have the psychotic breakdowns, and slowly, I'd, stopped, worrying. And, finally, I got this secret, that even my husband didn't know I carried, off my, chest, and I can, finally, let go of everything in my, past now.
So, it's the combination of the genetic predisposition, with the pressures from living in your homes, that's caused your two older sisters to have the symptoms of psychosis, and they both, healed, and found their own means of life, as had you, by getting away from the pressure source, your own, homes.
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