You preen, you pose, you pretend. You fret that your many weaknesses and imperfections will make their way to the surface of a carefully curated image.

You bemoan all the little ways that you are not ideal. All the praise you dind't get. The milestones you didn't reach. 

You, the real you, feels unseen and unloved. 

But who's to blame? Its you who has been hiding away. Afraid, of rejection for being not enough. 

Ironically even getting close to this "perfect" state, whatever that is, is the worst thing that can happen to you. In our puny estimations we set out what we should achieve and strive with all our might to approximate it. God forbid we get there. 

Excelling at work. Being the recipient of praise. Forever going above and beyond. Trying to appease everyone and see their point of view, pamper to their cause, be indispensable to them. 

Being the best friend. Nay saviour. Always available, always sympathetic, always dismissive of your own needs. 

Tick. 

The perfect partner, daughter, neighbour. 

The endless parade of preteens becomes an exhausting procession of obliterating yourself behind a fake screen. But it does evade one thing. Rejection. 

No one can reject you if you are the best, most sacrificing and proactive worker. The most sympathetic and available friend. The most permissive wife and the most loving mother. 

This is true. People get used to it and start to need you. 

But you are not doing all these things for the right reasons. You are seeking the ever elusive approval which you can never control. 

Ah but when you get it, it tastes sweet. Then the sweet becomes sickly. And you feel sick. Of how you have treated yourself. Of the lack of acceptance. 

So, the alternative?

Much more messy and gritty, no doubt. You let your true self, all rough and ready show through. You say the wrong thing. Do not respond to someone's need. Stuff up at work. Slack off. Go off at a friend. Refuse to appease. 

It makes you uneasy. But it rips off the glossy shine off the Pleasantville lie. Its more honest. More sustainable and most importantly more kind. 

The reward system changes. You start to reward yourself not for perceived, or real, approval. 

But for your true care for someone, your ability to learn from a mistake. To make amends. To limit the sacrifices, rescuing and enabling of others. 

For your authenticity, as gritty and as uncomfortable as it may be to those around you. 

In the short run it may feel like you are losing something which was simple and straight forward. Do what others want. Receive a pat. Repeat. 

But actually you are opening yourself up to the joy of being the gritty real version of you. 

In all your flawed perfection. 

It feels more deep. More real. More honest. 

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