Sometimes it's hard to believe that the judge could give us ANYTHING BUT a positive! But then I wonder how much of that comes from the naive belief that things in life are "fair" and that if you just "work hard enough" and are as honest as possible, things will turn out okay.

My boyfriend was sincere and honest in his first interview, yet he didn't give enough details, the translator didn't seem to really care and so he got a negative anyway because they didn't believe him.

Sometimes I bump against these childish beliefs of mine and am astounded at how they persist. It seems the same with the whole "Just think positive!" mindset! It seems so childish. I'd rather be prepared for the worst case scenario. But I also know I have problems with trusting in positive outcomes in general, and always expecting the worst takes a lot of joy out of my life.

So these beliefs and convictions together with the life advice I have gotten over the years keep bumping into each other - sometimes more, sometimes less roughly, and I try to keep my sanity in all of it. It seems all so contradictory. And hard to keep track of.

I have started writing a list of things my boyfriend and I still need to do, questions we still need to ask, etc. I'll be alone all day, as he is meeting a friend (which is wonderful! He doesn't see his friend enough and really needs the distraction - so I hope his friend will be a GOOD distraction and not pull him down with his pessimism), so I have plenty of time to try and gather my wits about me.

I am also reading a novel right now (I always read a bunch of books at the same time) which is giving me some hope, too, that people aren't just unfair, unkind and judgmental, and that there's something to hold onto besides the very obvious surface stuff ... that there's a reason that there is poetry, that we make art, that all this ugliness is not all there is. The novel is not a brilliant book or anything, but it fills me with warmth anyway. It's called Warm Bodies (they made a movie out of it, too) by Isaac Marion and it's a nice metaphor for the way the western world can be and how we might overcome all these obstacles we've put in our path to keep us from feeling too much.

So I am reading, I am cleaning, I take care of the dogs as best as I can and I go about my life.

After writing all this out, I think I'd rather believe the world to be a little fairer to those who work hard and are honest than to believe everybody's already killed their hearts and all the warmth inside of them. I'd rather believe that people can still be touched and moved deeply than the opposite. And I know it's true for some even if not all. But I guess believing in none of this drags me down into a coldness that I do not want to live with.

So ... soldier on! Or something ... Hah!

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