I am sensitive at the moment and I know it. I have such ANGER issues and it's making me really insecure!

Yesterday I told my psychiatrist I wanted to reduce the Quetiapine, and she wanted to reduce an anti-depressant instead but I stayed strong and said, nope, need to reduce the Quetiapine and told her why (it makes it hard to hear myself think). And she said, "Well, you won't sleep well!" and that just makes me wonder ... like, does she intend for me to stay on this stupid medication forever with no hope of ever getting off of it? And see that, right there? Anger! Immediately! Wtf is going on with me? Why am I so angry?

It started some time after I quit the internship at the school with the autistic kid. After that at some point I just got so angry ... and maybe it started out with suicidality first, right before the first Lockdown. I got intensely suicidal because I was so tired of living my life like this. I didn't enjoy anything anymore and was very unhappy about everything and insecure about the future. And since then it's just been my go-to reaction for so many things!

If you want to analyze this, it means my fight-parts have been activated big time. I used to not realize I got angry; I got tired instead. And sometimes I switched to a headmate called Kim, who was a teenager and a fighter and a fight-part. Kim isn't around these days because she was part of the first generation and the first generation has been "locked away" or whatever it is that actually happened to them ... hmm.

So there's this intense aggression inside of me, and it was always there, but in the past years it's become very loud and active. I don't want to live my life like this! Not only am I alienating people, I am unhappy like this!

And fighting with my boyfriend on a symbolic level about who is smarter is just one aspect of my aggression. I will need to talk to my therapist about this. I am not sure how aware she is of this ... I am guessing only slightly because I don't get that aggressive in therapy ... since that one incident in one of our phone sessions during the first lockdown when she told me to watch my tone ...

I am not sure how to deal with this on my own. I try to find patterns and mostly it's about not being perceived as smart by ANYONE, not just my boyfriend. But that's not the only thing that makes me angry. Anything that could be perceived as a slight, a threat, an insult, all of it ... it makes me angry.

Anger can be a cover-up for something. If I go that way I am thinking my self-worth is low. And my self-esteem is low. And I am protecting a very small, vulnerable part of my selves who is very innocent and who is very scared and feels very dumb.

When I write this I think about one of my uncles, one of the abusers, and how my mom used to tell me he was born just on the borderline of needing assistance because his intelligence was just so low (and he does live in a group home now). And I keep thinking I should have been able to outsmart him! But I was a KID! I was just a child! Of course he was able to trick and manipulate and sometimes sadistically "toy" with me because he was almost an adult (around 16 or 17 years of age if I remember correctly) and I was just a very, very small child (3 or 4 years old) when it all started.

Anger, anger, anger. I just get so angry just writing about this.

I am so emotional when I write about this that I can't find my way out. Tomorrow I have therapy. Hopefully she can help ...

I am also thinking why the job might have triggered this. There was this super bright kid in the Special Ed class, I loved this kid with all my heart. He was so smart! And not only intellectually, but emotionally! But he was always acting out aggressively, which was the reason he was in Special Ed. I could just relate so much to him. He was being at the very least neglected at home, but more likely he was also being actively abused. And nobody around him seemed to see that. It was like all the adults around me were too dumb to see that this was one hell of a smart child that just needed some help and guidance. And instead there were all these so-called grown ups who kept yelling at him, getting angry with him, FILMING him while he in such a symbolic way tried to "strangle" himself with his gym bag strings because "he might say we did that to him" (the elementary school teacher filmed him doing this with these words, because she wanted proof that she didn't hurt him) ... I mean WTF???

The way this kid was treated made me SO ANGRY and I couldn't do shit about it. However much I tried to intervene, or however much I tried to live as an example and talk to the people around me, the teachers just had so little empathy and inner resources for the kids, it didn't change anything. And I had to leave that kid behind and I have no way of knowing how he is doing now, or what will happen to his future ...

That makes me want to cry and it infuriates me. I identified way too much with this kid. WAY too much. And when I think about just how much I identified with him, I know I need to work on my boundaries with children. I always knew this was going to be a weak spot. But it was fine during my first internship, because I KNEW people were watching there, taking care of the kids, supporting them and their parents in the hopes of a better future for them. But in school there was no one. Just me and the kids ... against a world of adults who were blind and deaf to their calls for help.

I am sad now. It's time to walk the dogs. We'll see how Winnie is feeling today. He didn't eat his food yesterday morning but almost finished it at night. Not sure what's going on there... Just one more thing making me feel helpless...

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