I have never, in my entire life, had the luxury of traveling well. Today I do. Mind you, my decision to spend more than most is purely based off of trauma and the desperate need for reprieve. I am allowed, so say others, the right to FINALLY take some time to myself and feel how I need to feel. Even if it's calm. Especially if it's calm. And now I feel calm. For the first time in over a month.

This is a new type of calm, however. The other "calm" I have felt is a mental shutdown and exhaustion. This is different. Thankfully. This is 5 Mai Tais and First Class calm. This is me finally having a moment to breathe without crushing grief and endless stress. And, in all honesty, a moment for spoil.

For instance, I have the blessed liberty to lay my seat back to anything between upright and laying down. I landed somewhere in the middle. This is the comfort of a warm meal served on actual ceramic.This is the joy of looking out my window in the most remote spot and watching the stars from my seat. This is wishing you were here but knowing you're happy for me. This is me breathing and mentally expanding past the trauma for the very first time since all of this has started.

For a few hours, I am someone else. For a short time, I get to feel like life hasn't completely battered me into submission. I have the chance to be with everything that's happened and that has yet to come. I have the chance to float above the worries of my world and allow myself to lick the wounds of my spirit.

I never realized how much I needed that weird thing rich people do called…pampering, is it? I have never, in my entire existence, reveled in the "luxuries" of life. Although, right now, a part of me struggles with the concept of being grateful, I am. I am grateful.

I am grateful for the time with my dearest friend, my soulmate, the love of my life. I am grateful for those who have proven, due to this situation, that I can rely on them. I am grateful for learning and understanding what's actually important in life. I am grateful for something so few ever appreciate, perspective.

It's funny how so many think that small moments have no effect. You know? In the grand scheme of things. However, this tiny moment is reshaping my struggle to something far more manageable. It won't last. I know. But that's alright with me. I am still endlessly grateful. No matter the duration, reprieve is warranted and desperately needed.

To be honest, again, the Mai Tais help. What a shame. One day, hopefully sooner rather than later, the reprieve will be one from a stillness in my soul instead of a numbing of the pain.

Regardless, the next chapter is to be thrusted upon me. I must be ready. I promised I would take it all on. For you, I'd do anything. Even attempt to heal before I'm ready.

Fuck,

Here we go.

The page turner.

P.S. - I will NEVER fly coach, again. I do NOT care how long it takes me to save up to travel somewhere. Fine. Worth it!

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