I am upset and have to be careful what to write today so that it will still be helpful to write it and not upset me further.

The scene of Winnie dying in the vet's office keeps replaying in my mind and it's so awful. It feels traumatic and I am not sure what to do with it.

I keep having these questions and worries and it came so unexpectedly. All the previous vets I've been to usually put the animal under first and then gave them the lethal injection. This vet didn't do that and I don't know why and it worries me that maybe he suffered worse for it ... but maybe it's a new technique, all the other vets were much older than her. So maybe I'll be able to get some clarification next time I am there; maybe I need that.

But that, as mentioned, is not the only reason I am upset; it's also because it was so unexpected! I thought, okay he is going to fall asleep now and then she'll tell me, okay now I put the lethal injection, and then he'll go. But he just died there, suddenly, with his head in my hands and ... ugh. It was horrible!

Okay, I am not going to describe this any further because I am already crying again and I know it'll just hurt more to go into all the things that upset me.

So ... deep breaths.

I am going about life without Winnie. Daisy, Lucky and I are exploring new paths to walk because Winnie couldn't walk very far anymore in the end I know Daisy always gets excited about exploring and it's just so fun to see. 🙂

I am breathing and I am holding myself and all my parts gently in my grief. The endless questions and second-guessing myself ... I know it's part of it. When my first dog died I had the same thing going on and it will hurt, and it's okay for it to hurt. It'll become less intense with time.

I am just so sad. I know nobody lives forever, but it's just so sad when we have to let them go ...

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