I remember sitting in my feminist psychology lectures in third year and my lecturer (a beautiful, strong woman) loudly stated that women can have it all - family, career, marriage, friends, but that it will come at a cost. I remember being surprised by this statement. I grew up in an all-women household, and went to an all-girl school and was constantly told we could have it all. So what did she really mean? Surely women don't have to choose still between career and motherhood in the 21st century?

As the years have gone by, starting my career, getting married, having children and all that life throws at you, that statement resonates with me more and more - "You can have it all but it comes at a cost." I have encountered challenges as I navigated tertiary education, receiving 3 degrees; entered the workplace where micro-aggressions have hit me and where I've had to deal with racism, stereotypes, the huge pay gap between men & women (particularly women of colour) and unwanted male attention. And after getting married, having kids and still choosing to work, I have encountered additional challenges too. I have been exhausted, I have suffered from burnout and I have had so much self-doubt, which I still struggle with today.

The reality is that entering the workplace as a woman before I was married and had kids was tough, but being a working mom has been a hard-hitting reality which has left me asking, do I want to have it all? I love my job (I really do!), I love my family and I will do anything for my kids…but the problem is that working moms are doing so much more than working and looking after their kids. The mental load of a working mom is pure exhaustion - work projects due, managing teams, dealing with challenging working environments, sick kids, home chores, grocery shopping, doctors appointments, school assignments, making sure your kids are making their developmental milestones and so on.

Trying to have it all and fitting into everyone else's expectations of what your life needs to be puts more pressure on ourselves than it needs to be. Do we need to be top of our game at work? Do our kids need the homemade cupcakes for their birthdays? Or the Pinterest birthday parties, home décor, big house, the fancy car or clothes. Is our purpose in life to have it all? Do all of these things really bring you happiness?

As I reflect on my lecturer's statement, I have been asking myself what cost am I willing to pay to have it all. Maybe the costs means that we don't need to have it all at one time. This is because at different seasons of our lives our priorities shift and different aspects of our lives are going to have to take a backseat at times. For example, maybe when our kids are little we want to take a slower path in our career and slowly build on it as our kids get older and need us less. Or maybe we want to pursue our career right now because of the opportunities available to us and save money so that as they get older we can lessen our work load.

Many have decided a 9-to-5 job is not an option while having kids and decided to start their own business. This is still hard work but comes with the flexibility of being there when our children need it most. Others have approached this and decided to work part-time so they can work while their kids are at school and then be at home when the kids are at home.

Whatever choice we make, we need to understand deeply what makes us happy, what helps our relationships that we are in (in our marriages, with our children, extended family and friends) and what are the costs we will inevitably have to pay so that we can pursue our own dreams and not those of someone else.

I have found what makes me content is to strive for happiness, not perfection. I have reset my expectations and have found that my timeline, my life choices make sense for me and my family; and I don't need to explain that to anyone else. So perhaps as working moms we need to reflect on the following:

  1. What are your values and what are your priorities?
  2. What can you do to lessen your mental load as a working mom? How can you reduce stress?
  3. Can you recognise when you are feeling overwhelmed or struggling with anxiety? How are you taking care of yourself?
  4. What boundaries are you putting in place so that you can spend time where you want to?
  5. How can you shift your perspective from work-life balance to work-life integration?

So instead of trying to have it all, ask yourself what makes you happy? What do you value? What compromises or sacrifices are you willing to make? Maybe there is freedom in not 'having it all' and choosing a life that makes you happy.

Written by Dani