For the past two or three days I've been plagued by depression and anxiety. I don't know why but it suddenly got dark in my mind and all I want to do is avoid everything and sleep. Walking the dogs in the morning has been hard. Afternoons usually my boyfriend takes over and evenings, too.
I have another online meeting with the people from my volunteer job tonight and I want to cancel that, too. But I won't. I know I have to face the real world again and I might as well do it tonight.
I am wondering if this is just backlash from the hard work I am doing inside. Or maybe I am not seeing someone inside and not letting them be heard. I am guessing it's more of the latter and a bit of the former.
It's hard to face the headmates inside and do the work I know I need to do. I am full of doubts and fears and questions I have no answer for. Questions like, what if I let go of the past - what will become of me and all those memories? What will they mean to me and what will I do then? What if I try to open up again and it explodes in my face? Will I be strong enough to pick up the pieces afterwards? I have to trust myself and my selves ... I have to trust in my own strength - and in the strength and wisdom of all of that is inside. And the wisdom of whoever or whatever might be out there ...
I have to trust that even though things are scary and dark inside of me now, there will be light again eventually, leading the way.
Therapy has been on my mind a lot too lately. My therapist basically wants me to grow up. She wants me to become independent. She has been leading the way of kindness and compassion and teaching me about it for eleven years. Now she wants me to take all the gifts of her teaching and reach out, into myself, and offer this kindness and compassion to all the headmates inside of myself.
This means the relationship with my therapist will shift. It will change. And as most trauma-survivors change makes me terrified.
I want to pray for strength and guidance but I am not really sure who or what I would be praying to. So I don't ... because that is a huge bag of insecurities that I do want to face but that I am uncertain I CAN face ... And the answer is right there: Trust ... eh? Trust inside, trust that we'll find the way.
I had that tattooed over my chest, on the left side above the heart, when I was last in the States ... seven years ago. A hummingbird with a heart on its belly, encircling the word TRUST.
Only back then a bunch of things happened and it seems I lost my way again. I need to find my way back to that feeling again, the trust that things will work out. That we'll be okay.
Right now I feel very sad and I have haunting dreams about saving baby animals (again! HEAR the eye-roll) and as usual they are in some way always connected to my grandmother's house ... and I hate them. I hate going back to that place in those dreams and I hate seeing the horribly neglected and abused animals in my dreams ... and I don't want to go there anymore.
But I know what it means. It means my work in that place isn't done yet. Someone(s) inside is (are) either STILL there or went BACK there and we need to go rescue them and find a way for them to be comfortable in the present moment.
I think that last part is especially important. That being in the present moment needs to be comfortable ... and comforting. And I think we're not there yet. In the last few days we've been sitting at home a lot, thinking, "Is this it? Is this all there is?" And it can't be. So I need to find some way to make the present moment more ... inspiring, creative, loving. I just don't know how yet.
Well, for now it's time to face the world out there and go to my online meeting. I need to change because right now I am in my (much beloved and riddled with holes) skeleton-sweater. That might be fun for private life but probably not so appropriate for work life. 
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