I am trying to reconnect with an essential part of myself, that is old and also new - as in, I am finding new ways to reconnect.

My spirituality and belief in ... something out there ... has always been strong. Or I should say, it was strong for a really long time. I used to randomly pray out of happiness when I was a child - just thanking God for what He happened to put into my life at that moment.

Then my great-grandmother died and I stopped believing in God and losing some or most of that connection.

Until I met the people in the States and connected to Native American life and spirituality. My magic rekindled I thought I'd found my home.

Home is where the heart is they say ... and sometimes I wonder where it is that my heart is.

I have been thinking of writing this post, writing and rewriting it for five days now. I can't seem to capture all that needs to be said.

I am grieving ... I am so sad! And at the same time, I am slightly curios as to where this will lead, IF it can lead anywhere ... And with that curiosity comes some measure of joy.

I have tried to reconnect with my spirituality for such a long time ... it seems as if a window has opened for me and a gentle breeze is caressing me, tempting me to just step outside. Step outside and feel the connectedness again. This blessed, terrifying connectedness.

I say "terrifying" because with it comes pain.

I cannot want to FEEL again and then say, "but only the good stuff". If you want to feel again, and connect again, it's gotta include the bad stuff, too. The pain, the despair, the fear, all of it. It's a LOT.

I am so scared. I am scared of walking down this path and feeling again. And I am scared I won't do it. There's a clear fork in the road ahead of me. I can go left or I can go right. I can follow my heart, or I can follow my head and cut off something so very essential to me - but I wouldn't feel this terrible pain. I also wouldn't have to face some very old memories and things/beliefs/memories/etc. I have held onto for way too long.

It seems like the easy choice to say: reconnect! LIVE! BREATHE! FEEL!

For some reason it's not. I am not good at sitting with my pain, as I already said in one of my last posts here. I am not good at sitting with it, feeling it.

I tried to connect to one part of myself in therapy last week ... and soon found myself trying to explain her pain away. And of course that only made her feel unheard and unseen and she started drifting away from me.

No. I cannot let my head take over and just explain it all away. Explanations will come - later. But for now I gotta sit with this part and many other parts and just be with them in their pain. Let them know I am here, I can feel it and understand it deeply. And we can sit here together and get through it.

That also sounds so easy. When I write these things down they just seem so ... trite and trivial .... but they're actually profound inside of myself. But words don't do them justice. I can't seem to find the proper expressions or pictures or visions for them ...

Which is why this post is plaguing me ... torturing me in the back of my head ... always waiting to be written.

I don't know how to say this, so I'll just put it into simple terms:

I want to reconnect to my spirituality. I want to feel connected to the world and all that's in it again. I want to find my own magic again. I want to find the path back to myself again.

There. That's one way to put it. Still sounds nowhere near as profound and meaningful as this feels right now ... but it's a start.

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