The other night I was on the phone with my boyfriend and I knew he was preparing for an overnight hunting trip with his bestfriend. He was distracted. Its typically me who is distracted during our phone calls, so that didn't bother me. I starting thinking he could forget something so I offered to get off the phone "we can talk later" I said. He declined, we continued to talk and he continued shuffling around getting himself ready . As I approached home, I asked again if he wanted to focus and we could continue our conversation at a later time. Then I burst out "It's not my fault if you forget something!" wtf... whoa nelly... where did that outburst come from? It was years of being conditioned to believe that I was at fault for the bad things that happened. That realization put me in a major funk and for the last few days I've been consistently reminding myself that I am not to blame.

It was not my fault that my child cut her own hair on Mother's Day and that I was upset about it. No, it doesn't make me a "bitch".

It was not my fault that we showed up at your parents house two hours early for Christmas because you didn't want to go back home first. I can still feel the burn in my veins as your sister chewed me out for being such a horrible person.

It was not my fault you fell head over heals for your 50's starlet whose only interest in you was the gifts she received. I did everything in my power to be what you needed. I wasn't.

Reflecting back, my ex liked my hair straight so I put the heat on and regularly straightened my hair a few times a week. My new man likes it natural so I go curly much more often. Surprisingly, I receive compliments on my hair regularly! It threw me back to five years ago when I wore a white shirt with ruffles on it. My ex told me I looked like a maid. His mother complimented my outfit later in the day.

Why now, in this place of goodness do I have the negative memories and frustrations of my past? I believe its because these are things I need to get out of my head. They no longer apply to my current situation and I no longer need to live in the place of blame or fear.

I'm nervous that my new relationship will have some of the things I wanted to be rid of. So far, that is not the case. It is just my fear. He tells me often that he isn't going anywhere. I wonder if I put off the vibe that I feel like he is leaving... I wrote about rejection previously and how it creates doubt in our minds. I've also been the "other woman" or kept secret. This will not suffice for me any longer. And, I will do my hair how I please and wear whatever the F*!K I want. 🙂

I will not allow these self-conscience frustrations to take over. I will work through and release them from my mind so I am in a better place moving forward (with a wonderful man who boosts me up).

All you negative thoughts are now free to liberate yourself from my mind.