I am having one of those days where I crave a meaningful exchange. An inspiration. One of those conversations where you swing to ever higher heights of ideas until it feels like you're flying in your head.

I wonder if other people get this? This is like a hunger that I can never quite satisfy. I try, by watching TED talks or reading a good book or writing something but it is never quite what I am looking for. I am never quite satisfied, the high never quite the same as it used to be - two decades ago.

Maybe it's just something I need to get used to; I don't swing to extremes anymore, neither good nor bad. In part because of the psych medication I take and in part I suspect it's part of healing from my past and also just growing up.

For 10 or 15 minutes I lay on the couch, looking out the window at the tree tops and the birds flying by and wondered what I could do to feel better, because at this point I was ready to just go back to bed and either cry or sleep in hopes to wake up feeling less ... urgent about this inspiration thing. It is sad for me when I feel so hungry for mental stimulation and can't ever quite get it right. I think it would feel better if I were able to enter some kind of FLOW state of mind but I can't seem to do that right now. I am wondering how much of that is because of the medication I take but I suspect none but more a matter of never quite letting myself PLAY and rarely letting myself let go of control in this manner.

So. I got up. I got myself an energy drink and I am smoking a cigarette ... I am thinking of cleaning the living room and kitchen and then just start sorting through my books. When I moved into the apartment 10 months ago I threw them into my bookshelves roughly sorted by genre but never sorted them by author, so it often takes me ages to find anything. Doesn't help they're overflowing a bit. Hah!

Cleaning might bring more clarity and sorting my books might let me find a gem or two that I could read right now to scratch this terrible inspiration itch ...

I never quite know what to do with myself in these situations. I want and crave so many different things: creativity, mental stimulation, a meaningful exchange, a flow state of mind, the feeling of ideas swinging me high above my body, the feeling of being understood and seen, and the feeling of understanding and truly seeing and connecting with someone else.
Writing this makes me wonder just HOW different they truly are? Are they? Reaching a real FLOW in a deep, loving and respectful conversation can probably do most if not all of those things. So maybe they're not that different. And maybe I could have it all if only I let go, just a little tiny bit. Let go of control, let go of old fears and let go of old anger. If I would let myself just RELAX and BE in the presence of another human being I love and who loves me I could probably have all these things.

I sigh a big sigh at this. "IF ONLY" I want to tell myself ... but honestly? It's in my own power. It's something I can re-learn to do. It is not some long lost never to be recovered kind of experience. And it is something I NEED to re-learn if I want connection, which we (speaking for most of the headmates in this system now) proclaim to want the most ...

And as for when we're alone, like right now, with the boyfriend asleep in the bedroom, if I let go of all of those feelings mentioned above, I would also be able to enter flow all on my own ...

I feel like I don't know ANYTHING and have to re-learn everything! Re-learn most of all just how to be MYSELF! (also: how WE can be OURSELVES)

So ... let the learning begin!

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