On our wedding day in 2015, our photographer said he was going to count to three and and ask a question, he us yell out the answer. 'One, two three... how many children do you want?' he called, his camera primed to capture the answer. 'Three!' we both yelled, looking at each other in both surprise and relief. We knew we wanted children, but we had never discussed how many we wanted. Numbers had been probably thrown around at times, it definitely wasn't just one and it definitely wasn't more than three - I think we both knew that much.

Now, six years later, if we renewed our vows and the photographer asked us this again, the answers would be different. My husband, I think would be two - but probably ideally, still three. Mine would be - 'I'm not sure.' It wouldn't be the type of moment you would want captured on camera.

The past six years have not been easy on me. They have been magical in many ways but they have also given me the biggest challenges. I've been through depression, endometriosis surgery, four rounds of IVF, an often anxious pregnancy, a traumatic birth where we nearly lost Master B, isolation from loved ones and support due to COVID-19, De Quervains in both my hands, moving countries, selling and buying houses, new jobs, and a miscarriage. Post-partum was much harder than I ever anticipated. I was mostly worried about the lack of sleep before giving birth, and yes lack of sleep was very hard - but to be honest, it wasn't as hard as the pain I had in my wrists every time I picked up my baby or drove the car or did anything for at least a year and the recovery that involved. Or the guilt, identity shifts and emotional rollercoaster post-partum has been at times. Sleep began to sort itself out around six months for us, the other stuff has taken much longer - and the healing is still taking place.

When I think of having another baby, I think of all these things before I think of the beautiful parts - the gorgeous moments in the newborn phase, the cuddles, the love that is indescribable, the laughter and joy like no other, the building of a bigger family. I know logically that many of the things that we dealt with pre and post partum will be different if we do this again. I won't do a full round of IVF - we have two embryos left, and if we can't get pregnant naturally then I will only do those two transfers. I know what this involves, and while emotionally very hard - it is not as gruelling physically for me as the retrieval stage of the IVF cycle. Post-partum will be different too - we are settled in our community, we have heaps of family support close to us, we are in a house that we can stay in, we won't be moving countries (hopefully), we won't be isolated in the same way we were in those first few months because of COVID (hopefully). If I get De Quervains again I will know this time what it is, and I'll know what to do and be able to get good support much more quickly.

I will though, need to have a c-section because of the way Master B was born. It is likely I will have gestational diabetes again. And I will of course go through the newborn stage again - no sleep, but this time with a toddler in tow. And then throw learning to be a mum to two kids, who will inevitably fight and may not like each other very much on top of all that.

I come from a large family of four siblings. My husband is an only child. I have no illusions that siblings may not get on. We are close now and they are some of my best friends, but growing up - we fought all the time.

And then what if we try and it doesn't work - and then all the feelings that brings up.

It is so hard. There is no right answer. I know we will get there, we will work together to find a way forward. But right now, I feel my feet have finally landed back down to earth but now a ticking clock has started in my ear reminding me to decide fast as I don't have the luxury of time.

How did you decide how many children to have? I'd love to know!