A Poem

Parenthood will wreck you. It will take your emotions, your sense of self, your delusions of control  And thrash them about the room like a dog with a chew toy. It will have you look into the sparkling eyes of a newborn and ache with love and fear that you – you – are the keeper and protector of this child. Those same eyes you will look into some years later – ten, twelve, fourteen, who knows? – and see the confused and angry soul of an adolescent, newly baptized in the knowledge of good and evil and all of your virtues and shortcomings. You will try to control this child, this person that you see, mistakenly, as an extension of yourself And you will realize that you can coerce, cajole, convince, and counsel But control, you cannot.  You will realize that deep down you do not want to control them, but see them emerge  from the cocoon of your caring intact, whole, and fully themselves. You will turn your attention to the world around them and attempt control there:  	– to shield them from pain 	– to prevent their broken bones 	– to protect them from disappointment But you cannot do even that. You will learn than you can soften the blows of the tumult, but you cannot keep them dry from the storms Not completely. You will learn that you can be a witness to their joy and their pain That if you are lucky  If you are patient If you are constant You will be invited to enter it, too.  You will see your parents with new eyes And wonder at all they did and did not do At all they tried and did not try. You will plumb the depths of forgiveness and understand that one day, your children will plumb these depths, too, Because of you And all you did and did not do And all you tried and did not try And you will hope, as your parents do, for grace And understand, as your parents do, that grace does not always abound. But sometimes If you are lucky If you are patient If you are constant Love abounds. You will realize that parenting is not, nor has it ever been, for the faint of heart. Because, you see, You know That parenthood will wreck you Will reform you Will restore you Will require you  To question everything, including who the hell you thought you were to embark on this fool's errand with nothing but a car seat and naivete, Will leave you lying in the wreckage Inexplicably With a smile on your face.