The Proclamation of the Kingdom of Heaven
Fruit of the Mystery: Trust in God

Jesus, I Trust in You

by Rachel Mullett

My eyes were closed as I whispered, "Please be negative. Please be negative. Please be negative." I opened my eyes, looked down at the pregnancy test, and watched a second line gradually appear until there was no questioning what the result was. I sat down, closed my eyes once again, and took a deep breath with the clearly positive test trembling in my hand. 

Immediately, I thought about my infant napping in the next room. We had had a rough start to say the least. Those memories and feelings of the last five months began to flood my mind.

The thought of childbirth again; I hadn't even had a chance to fully process her birth yet.

The moment just a few hours after she was born when I held her and thought, "She's it. I can never give birth ever again." 

The sleepless nights that turned into debilitating sleep deprivation.

The anxiety that shadowed the moments of joy I felt.

The crying. The back-arching-never-ending-impossible-to-comfort crying. 

The feeling that I was spiraling out of control, which would later be labeled as postpartum depression and anxiety. 

The self-doubt that maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother after all. 

The image of me sobbing uncontrollably on the floor next to her crib when I was unable to comfort her once again and screaming at God asking why He abandoned me. My darkest day and deepest pit of hell.

My heart raced just thinking about it. 

I texted my husband, "Call me at lunch" then Googled a due date. Fourteen months apart to the day. How was I going to do this again? And with a toddler this time?

When my husband called me, he immediately asked, "So you're pregnant?"

"Yep." I answered

He laughed on the other side of the phone and said, "Everything is going to be okay. This is good." My rock. My comforter. The person God intended for me.

We hung up the phone, I closed my eyes, took yet another a deep breath, and prayed a simple yet powerful prayer, "Jesus, I trust in you." I had said it countless times before, but this time, somehow, I fully surrendered my worries to our Heavenly Father. 

Almost immediately, I saw a vision of my daughter with a little sister. Holding her. Feeding her a bottle. Playing at the park. Sharing a room. Giggling before bed. Seeing each other in the hallways at school. Holding each other when life feels heavy. Standing in each other's weddings. Loving on each other's babies. 

Suddenly and unexpectedly, peace and joy replaced that anxiety and stress. We obviously had no idea if the baby growing inside of me was a boy or a girl, but in that moment, I knew that God had given us another daughter.

Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, I clung to those words any time anxiety crept up, trusting that God's plan was so much better than my own. I repeated, "Jesus, I trust in You" over and over.

That vision I had that morning of two little girls playing together and loving on each other came⸺and continues to come to life⸺right before my eyes. It's not always easy, but goodness, is it beautiful. 

Rachel Mullett

Eight months later⸺three weeks before her due date⸺my sweet Agnes came into the world in the easiest, most beautiful, most unbelievable birth ever. An answered prayer. 

They laid on her my chest, and I felt that connection I had heard so many mothers speak fondly of. Another answered prayer.

She slept easily from the start, and on the nights that she woke frequently, I somehow found the energy the next day. An answered prayer. 

Even with a newborn and toddler, I had little to no stress, no debilitating anxiety, no heart racing. An answered prayer.

Honestly, the last four years have been nothing but an answered prayer. That vision I had that morning of two little girls playing together and loving on each other came⸺and continues to come to life⸺right before my eyes. It's not always easy, but goodness, is it beautiful. 

Before that day, my faith was lukewarm at best. I did all the things that I was supposed to do because I was supposed to do them. I prayed the rosary, said the novenas, and went to church because they were part of my "Catholic checklist." Yet, I didn't have a deep relationship with Christ, and I couldn't see how He used suffering for good. I certainly didn't know how to surrender my control and blindly trust His plan. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6-7

Through divine intervention alone, God used that moment and the eight months that followed to teach me how to surrender the unknown to Him. How to surrender my plans to Him. How to surrender my anxiety to Him. And ultimately, He showed me that true peace comes from trusting Him and Him alone. 

In this world, we are told that we need to be in control and that we can only rely on ourselves. We're told to create "plans"—short term plan, five year plans, where-do-you-see-yourself plan. We're told that in order to be happy, to be content, to have peace, we have to stick to that plan that we created. But Christ tells us otherwise. Jesus says, "My kingdom is not of this world" (John 18: 36) and "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven" (Matthew 7: 21). 

Learning to trust has been a journey, and it's one I think I'll be on for the rest of my life. But, in those moments of doubt, hesitation, anxiety I've learned to pause, take a deep breath, say, "Jesus, I trust in You", and know that His plans are so much better than mine.

About Rachel: Rachel Mullett is a former first grade teacher turned stay at home, homeschooling, mom of three young children. Although she is a cradle Catholic, her relationship with Christ has strengthened and deepened in her vocation of motherhood. You can read more at rachelmullett.com or on instagram at @rach_mullett