After I was done writing my super long post yesterday, I was actually surprised of how much pain about my blood-relatives came up. That SHOULDN'T surprise me because logically I know that this "abandonment" (as I experienced it as such) and the abandonment by my blood-relatives was deeply related inside of me. But my heart didn't quite believe it.

Today I am struggling majorly with thoughts of self-harm. It's better when I am busy doing things, so I have been straightening up the apartment a bit. I had a really awful dream about being in such a rage that I pushed my boyfriend and accidentally injured him and then had such deep, deep self-loathing. And that self-loathing is carrying into the real world.

I am trying to breathe. The dream is not only about my own shame and pain and anger - it's also a kind of warning: I can go the old ways here, walk the path of self-hatred and absolute destruction until I am utterly alone again, or I can forge new paths, in which I dare to live, try things out, breathe. New paths on which I am free from all this guilt and shame. I know that won't just happen from one moment to the next, but it can happen eventually. I gotta keep trying.

So loads of deep breathing and coming back to the moment. I don't want to walk the old path, I really, really don't.

As I wrote yesterday in the train, we were talking about a ton of things yesterday in therapy. One of them was me being so comfortable and settled into my existence (note: existence, not life) and how focused I am on the boyfriend and HIS getting his life together. That's not my job, I know. And I know (kinda lol) that I can't fix my own life by trying to fix his. She's right, my world evolves around my boyfriend currently and I wonder what will happen if I start focusing on myself again, my own life again. If I go out just because I want to, if I go to a museum or hang out in Vienna just watching people walk by. What if I just try to LIVE again and not panic because he's messing up his life.

Right now I am waiting for him to get up - which he should have done more than 15 minutes ago. I told him yesterday I'd not wake him up today. That he would be completely responsible for getting himself out of bed. I still couldn't resist and walked in there at 20 past, which is the time he should be out of bed and moving already, asking him if he didn't have class today, packing the washing machine full of laundry and starting it and then, since he was still not moving, opening the curtains. No movement from the bedroom still, though he did wake up when I did all that. I guess he's not going to class today. If he stops getting money that will be a path he will have chosen to walk ... he needs to attend class to get money. Ugh. This is really frustrating.

Anyway. Breathe. Maybe I'll go for another walk or something. Or just watch something. Or I could look for things I could do out there. My therapist said I needed to bring some movement into my life because I am so stuck inside right now, not going out, not doing anything, not enjoying myself. I asked her if it ever gets easier because every time I try something new I am TERRIFIED and she assured me it does. She suggested doing something physical, like bouldering or something along those lines. Because it feels GOOD to feel your own body and the physical sensation really helps to bring you back to the present moment. Also she said, you're really growing into your own competence with it.
So maybe I'll look up some bouldering classes somewhere. I am weak as hell right now but maybe that would give me a reason to work out and build up my strength. 🙂

I am rambling.

I am visiting a friend later today. I am excited about that. It's been way too long since I have been anywhere except for therapy and work in Vienna. It'll be good to just meet my friend and hang out and talk about all kinds of things. 🙂