My young friend spoke quietly, painfully: "I am lonely. My mom is lonely."
How could this be? She's lovely, articulate, smart, and non–judgmental. Simply stated, a sweet young woman. How could she be lonely?
Is she is alone in her loneliness? I doubt it. As connected as we are in this age of tech and transportation, we can feel isolated. It's not the same as "being alone." Being alone is what we often need. As moms, we yearn for those few hours of no-tugs-on-our-shirts.
As one of the most extroverted people I know, I have still found myself lonely at times. I don't like it. It's a killing feeling. It's different than solitude because it's not by choice. And it sucks the joy out of life.
Paul Tillich expressed it well:
Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.
Our Chinese student, Ivon, announced at dinner last evening, "When I go to grad school next Fall, I want to find a studio apartment. I want to see how it feels to be lonely. I think it's good for us to experience loneliness."
I'm not sure she knows what she's getting into. It's cold on the coast of Lake Michigan. I'll send care packages. Maybe what she means is the value in being alone, which is different than the pain of loneliness. We all need some solitude—some of you more than others. Solitude is the good, the positive part about being alone.
We need solitude so we can make our lists.
We need solitude to evaluate our accomplishments.
We need solitude to pray for our families. When I returned from our Sibling Reunion last month, I emailed my four sibs: "Okay, on Mondays I'll pray for Hyatt and Anne (the oldest) and on down the line: Tuesdays, Steve and Karen; Wednesday, Lynnel and Roger; Thursdays—that's us (and you!)—I always have lots to pray for with three daughters and a Man-in-Plaid from Iowa who thinks he's a contractor; and, Fridays, my little sister, Lori and her husband Leonard. We need to pray for those we love and so I rarely play music in the car or while doing housework, to make sure I can focus on those who need bringing to the Throne.
We need solitude to read a good book, to get re-energized, to be still and remember that God loves us and to remember that God is in control in a world that is progressively out of control.
Jesus modeled that for us: stealing away from the crowds, even from his twelve best friends, to be alone with His Father.
But solitude is not the same kind of aloneness as loneliness. Loneliness is negative, solitude is necessary.
Loneliness can hit you in a crowded courtyard after church or surrounded by family or in a marriage – even a good marriage.
Are you lonely? It's hard to admit. I admired my friend for saying so. It took courage.
We want to believe we have a strong group of friends. We all want the Sisterhood, if not the Ya-Ya. We long to connect. And if we don't quite, isn't it just one more thing we are not good at? Do we have to feel guilty about this, too? Can't it be someone else's fault? Does it really come down to "I must not be worthy of developing deep friendships? Now I feel worse than I did before."
As a confident extrovert—almost to the obnoxious level and I'm warning people, I'm only getting worse—I will tell you, I have been lonely. It's soul starvation. It's not meant to be. It's a slap in the face of God's great big family design.
What can we do when we feel lonely?
I think I had to admit it first. At that admission, I've cried a bit, in my pillow or in the car. I've read David's heart prayers in the Psalms. But, then I made a call, several—I like a crowd. I made a party happen—out of desperation—not because I was so good at it. But the more parties or tea times or wine nights I host, I do become good at it. It's called Practicing Hospitality for a reason, and far less dangerous than Practicing Medicine.
That's not easy to do if you feel puny. It's not easy to do if you think no one else is lonely. Let me put that idea to rest right now. Everyone is lonely some of the time. They need you to call even more than you need to call them. It's true, you can believe me, I'm old. And, since you want to meet someone else's need, do it for that reason alone, and you will not feel so lonely. They may need to be in your family.
"God sets the lonely in families." (Psalm 68:6) He knows we need each other. Make that call. People just need a cup of water and a little bit of you.
I am convinced that everyone gets lonely some of the time and we may just be too proud to admit it. Kathy Vick said, "Loneliness is the root of all need." And when life throws us curveballs and punches we were not expecting, we feel the isolation even worse.
We need to be and feel loved at least by one or maybe ten special people, depending on if you are an introvert or an extrovert. Loneliness is the reason Facebook and Instagram and Twitter exist.
Funny how we can have 400 friends on Facebook, but we don't know the names of our neighbors we've lived next to for ten years.
People long to connect but some of us may not want to make that effort because people hurt us.
We expected more of them and they didn't come through. At that crossroads, we make a choice to either live a protective life, keeping others at arm's length, or to live transparent lives.
Which will you pick?
That choice predicts our path, and often, makes a difference for how God uses us.
I know you. I know you want to make a difference, to be that friend to the friendless, to show off God's welcoming heart, to change your world, for heaven's sake. To change the world one cup of coffee at a time. Tea works, too.
Who needs your invitation?
When can you make that happen? I'd love to know. I'll add it to my Thursday prayer list where I pray for my people. Email me at sue@welcomeheart.com.
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Opening your home and heart begins with prayer. And may include a simple recipe.
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Pray first. Then, invite. Make Chicken Sate Skewers or Cater-by-Costco if that's best for you and your family.
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