I was crying a LOT last night. First in the train a bit and then when I got home and told my boyfriend about what I was feeling. He stroked my arm, my hair, was generally very very sweet and it was a relief to talk to him.
Today, after I've had a few hours of sleep (still not enough with all the meds I take but more than the night before!) things don't seem quite so desperate anymore but they still seem rather bleak. Things inside are tumultuous ... some headmates want to isolate now. Some others think maybe it's all the weight we've gained (lol ... I don't even know) and want to stop eating out of protest. Others are very angry and want to tell everyone to eff off. Others are genuinely interested in WHY this keeps happening and want to text M (who I wrote about last night) and to the woman we talked to about meditation and just ask them what vibes I give off, what their impression of me is. Now, in the daylight, I am not so sure that would be such a good idea. We might get some hurtful answers we may not like and I don't know if that wouldn't just make things worse right now. Or we may not get any answers and leave the conversation feeling even more rejected.
So I am sitting here, stewing in these feelings and I have to say, I am still so so sad and also very confused about where to go from here.
It's not like I don't TRY. I asked the woman who I talked to about meditation whether she wanted to meet but she rather wanted to talk on the phone back then and that MAY have been just because she was busy or again, maybe she doesn't want new friendships right now ... but it's just to say that I DO try. I ask people to hang out, I ask if I can come hang out with them. I try. Really. But it can't be that NONE of them ever got the idea to ask ME to hang out?! But they ALL ask each other?!
My boyfriend tried to reassure me that I am really nice and that I am easy and fun to talk to. He says whoever we meet, people working in stores or waiters, neighbors, or whoever, I am always making them smile and they genuinely enjoy talking to me. He tried to say that it's not me. But it HAS to be me because I am obviously the only one of those that come regularly to basketball and other things that doesn't hang out with the others outside of basketball. People enjoy talking to me, that's probably true, but they don't SEEK ME OUT to talk to me.
Is it the scars? The way I dress? Is it the way I walk? Is it the DID and am I doing things I don't remember that somehow puts people off or maybe even offends them?
These questions keep spinning in my head and they just won't stop because it's been like this for TWO DECADES! Twenty freaking years I've tried to work on this problem and it just doesn't get better! I am at a LOSS! I don't know what to think, what to feel, whether to just say, "Fuck it, I am just a loner and I will never have more acquaintances much less more friendships than I currently do!" You know ... that would be okay if I just didn't LOVE other people so much, if I weren't genuinely interested in them and getting to know them and having conversations with them. I really, really like these women from the basketball group! They're all very sweet and most of them seem very kind and I know nobody's doing this to exclude me or purposefully leave me feeling sad.
I have been reading books about this (I even bought the old classic "How to win friends and influence people" out of desperation a week ago even though I hated the title and the book itself is ancient), I talk to my therapist about it, I talk to other people about it. But something inside of me/us is so off-putting that people just don't even get the idea we might wanna hang with them.
Ahhhh, writing this, I see how I am turning in circles. Maybe I will take a social break for a little while. I thought, hey you gotta practice these things, it'll get there, all by itself. But I am tired of practicing my social skills and having my heart broken over and over again. So maybe like I took a break from dating before I met my boyfriend, I'll take a break from socializing with people outside my friend group. I'm just so tired of this.
And now I am crying again. Damn. The words, "I am just so tired of this" really break me over and over. Because I really try so hard and this whole people not wanting to hang with us is a big huge question mark, hanging like Damocles' sword above our head, and I am tired of trying.
It makes us sad now when we see other people connecting; it makes us sad and jealous.
I just don't know what to do now. So I guess I am going to take it moment by moment. Right now I want to focus on fixing up the apartment again - it's become a cluttered mess and I need to declutter and clean. There's no basketball this coming Thursday anyway because it's a holiday and our basketball court doesn't open on holidays. So that gives me more than a week to either regain my strength and spirits, or to decide whether I'll just do solitary sports for a while. Or maybe I'll just go there and leave afterwards, without going for drinks after. We'll see.
We are a mess right now. So I think today will be a cleaning and sleep day.
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