I met a psychopath and his family. I am not labeling a psychopath that was the result of a psych hold. Mike (not his real name) was charming and handsome. I met him after I moved back to Maine. Mike had two children from not one relationship, but two. His family and friends backed up all his stories so that it was the narrative that I believed.
Our relationship was peaceful in the beginning. Our friends and family thought we were happy because we were. Things began to fall apart when I became pregnant with our son. Things became worse, and his daughter moved in with us. She had reactive attachment disorder and terrorized our family. My first attempt to end the relationship was during this time. He hadn't been physical with me yet, however, the emotional abuse and control had started. This is equally damaging, I only didn't know how bad it would get. I am a very assertive woman and I would set limits and boundaries. I asked Mike to leave and he threatened suicide in a violent manner. I called the police and had him blue-papered. He spent a week in the hospital. I later found out this was not his first time in the hospital.
I was put on bedrest after his sister had attacked me during my pregnancy. It was relatively calm except for ridicule about the weight I was gaining. Now, I am going to make a radical statement about families who are undergoing emotional or physical abuse if a family member says to you, "Please don't set Mike off when you say this. Listen. They are telling you that they do not feel safe after you leave. I often said this to my mother and stepfather. My parents would set him off after visiting. It isolated me.
I had our son and the verbal abuse increased. Mike was a lousy, irresponsible father who contributed nothing to any of his three children's financial, physical, or emotional well-being. Around the time, I was being accused of infidelity when I took the children to the park, I discovered the truth about the parentage of his children. I again tried to terminate the relationship, this time he became physical with me. Our son was three. I made him attend batterers' meetings and attend therapy. Mike swore he told the therapist what he had done, but I found out later that wasn't the case.
We had a period of calm. I wouldn't say I was happy, I didn't feel safe. I wasn't having my family over because they were not respecting my Boundaries. I cared for his children. We would do the things that families did. Go out to dinner, etc. however, it would always end up in unfounded accusations that I was looking at other men, he was sure I slipped them my number. This is a form of abuse.
Labor Day 2001, I had enough I told him I had enough. I was not happy. I was a single mother in a family. Mike never took care of our son. I was up night after night. I was still working. Mike worked occasionally until someone insulted his intelligence or his manhood. Mike had other issues that were fueling his inner narrative. I have never been one to have a sloppy appearance, Mike made one too many comments about my intentions. I told him we were done. I decided that he needed to move out of my house and we were not getting married.
I continued my day. I took the kids to the park, to the school shop, and to Mcdonald's. I felt free that day, freer than I would feel for 9 months. Mike was upstairs with the neighbors sulking for the entire day. We finished our evening routine as we had done countless times.
In the middle of the night, I was attacked by a man who claimed to love me. The events were brutal and violent. When it was done, Mike made himself a ham sandwich and our son was awake. His words to me were You are up for the night. I tried to call the police that night, but he had cut the phone line and disabled the car. Something changed that night within both of us, I learned that I had a strong will to live, and he knew I would fight back. I took pictures of my injuries and filed them away. Then 9/11 happened. Collectively, as a nation, we all suffered a trauma that day. We stayed living in the house, but we were living different paths. I was numb for months, I was struggling with PTSD. I wouldn't be diagnosed for another year. My family was not supportive throughout the relationship, and there was a lot of victim shaming.
In March one morning, Mike wouldn't let me leave the house. The kids were not allowed to go to school. It was clear that "the honeymoon period " was over. I called my Uncle. I knew that Mike was cowardly with male confrontation. This time I was forcing him out of the house. I packed his things. The kids were put on the bus, I went to the courthouse with pictures of the attack, the disabled phone, and the disabled car. I was awarded a restraining order that I would renew every two years until I left Maine.
What was Mike's response to all of this? He threatened suicide often which he commonly used as a weapon and manipulation. Mike was hospitalized again. I was invited to his therapy. I was made aware that Mike had been determined to be a psychopath years before we met. Mike had other issues that I will discuss in another blog post that affect a relationship.
When I write about domestic violence there is no wrong or right way to stay or leave because it is about surviving. An abuser's actions are his own, other people do not cause the abuse, however, they can prime the pump. However, if a family member or friend is telling you that things you say and or do are triggering him, listen. My parents would badger him about things that were not their place to say, see the reaction, and leave me with the mess. One of my best friends had a similar relationship to mine. One of our friends would trigger her husband by bringing up his past actions. He would feel guilt, shame, and anger because it wasn't left in the past. It took a lot of work for them to put their marriage back together. He needed to move out of their home for 2 years. He attended a year-long Batterer's program, individual counseling, church, and family counseling to put their family back together. Her husband was contrite. He felt a lot of shame, guilt, and accountability. Honestly, my experience led to him changing. Our families had been close. His wife reports his abuse was nowhere as serious as mine, but it was still painful abuse. Once he completed his inner work, we talked about in church let go of what he had done, and his wife and children forgave him. Her friends needed to leave it in the past. He paid his debt. Mike has not, he continued to abuse women.
So, how did we all end up? I would love to tell you both my kids are okay. My oldest daughter is fine and flourishing. My oldest son is not. I refuse to allow his choices to be viewed as a result of what his father did to me. I raised him better than that. My son has repeated the sins of his father in his own life. I spoke to him and it is like speaking to his father. He says all the same things and makes the same excuses I spoke to his victim to whom he has told many lies and I told her the reality of our family. I explained to her there are nights that I still wake up screaming and in a cold sweat. She has time to make a complete break from him. They do have a child in common, they are not married and they do share property together. My children had therapy after his father left. He is his father's son despite everything I did for him. I sit with that nightly. He is awaiting sentencing. I spoke with the DA and told him to hold him accountable for what he has done.
My friend's husband flew in to talk to him in jail. He called to let me know that my son is hopeless right now. My son doesn't know the depth of my injuries. I was under court order as part of my sole custody agreement to not discuss this with my son. I honored that request. My friend's husband told him the complete truth on his visit. He told him the truth that it wasn't an argument that caused me to leave his father, it was so much deeper and darker than that. Now, we wait to see if he can turn his life around.
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