She wanted Amira to start a daycare so she could have some time to herself. Like any newly minted toddler, Amira was a tornado on wheels. She was always relentlessly running, trying to speak new words, getting all up in her older siblings' things. It was impossible to watch her all the time and yet, she required being watched all the time.
On a rare occasion when Hamza and she were visiting Asiya together with the kids, this topic came up.
"I think she needs to be with some structure during the day", Asiya said, exhausted at Amira's relentless energy. She had spent the better part of their visit picking up after Amira and fixing things that she broke in her wake. "Kausar! She doesn't listen".
"She's only two, Ami!" Kausar came to Amira's defense immediately, even though she had thought about it many times. Amira, as young as she was, was extremely rambunctious and a particularly savage case of poor attentiveness. She was a lot like Adeel in how she got most of her thrill from breaking rules and watching people stew in anger around her. The environment at home wasn't entirely conducive to a child's well-being either. Shehla's sons occupied the living room now in addition to the family room that they had claimed months ago and it was hard for the kids to move as much as they wanted to. The large lawn that sprawled in front their home was restricted area to the kids owing to many imported shrubs and plants that were constantly pruned and cared for. Overall, the house even though large in proportions and exquisite in its beauty, was somewhat dysfunctional.
"She is very naughty", Hamza said, his nose turned up. He had very little patience with Amira. Musa was a very different kid and usually stayed out of anyone's hair. Amira, a baby still, was getting on most people's nerves just by being a spirited child. Kausar could tell that her kids would always be second-tier kids and even though it hurt her immensely, there wasn't a recourse to adopt against it.
"How is she naughty?" She countered, her eyes blazing.
"She's touching everyone's stuff all the time", Hamza whined with the same childlike demeanor that his brother had too, "She doesn't sit still. Always on the go! Look at Zehra and Noor. Why don't they act like that?"
He had conveniently left out Musa's name.
"Zehra and Noor are also a lot older than her", Kausar said, wrangling Amira with one hand as her eyes shot daggers at Hamza, "And I'm sure they were rambunctious too when they were toddlers".
"Well", Asiya interjected, "Technically Zehra is still very much a toddler".
Kausar knew there were no battles to win so remained silent. Besides seething there was nothing to do.
"But I do agree", She finally said, afraid to let the moment go, "She needs to be in a daycare before she formally starts school next year. It will help her adjust better".
"And who'll pay for her daycare?" Hamza said, a touch impatiently.
She stared at him in silence. Rasheed cleared his throat.
"That's hardly a problem", He said mildly, "We have a lot. Musa and Amira can be easily provided for. Let's look for a daycare".
It was an ache that felt like humiliation and resentment. Her esteem was crushed everyday. Money and all things related had always been elusive when she was with Arshad. Then she had a paycheck for years. That spoiled her. Now it was time for her reckoning again.
"Well," Hamza said with a little self-conscious laugh, "I am willing to pay for anything that the kids need. After all, who else do they have to care for them? Arshad left them all as my responsibility. I'll pay. Don't worry, Uncle!"
"It's much ado about nothing", Asiya said, always one to brush any uncomfortable moments under the rug. "Not only will we pay for Musa and Amira, we'll pay for Noor's and Zehra's school also. After all, they are my daughter's kids too".
"Don't worry about my kids", Hamza said, his face pink with how embarrassed he felt at his moody outburst, "They're my responsibility".
So Amira and Musa weren't his responsibility, it wasn't hard for Kausar to put two and two together. They needed a nanny for Rabia's kids so they got her. She had always thought she was going to get someone like a father for her kids too. Or at least a father figure. Turned out that he was going to be worse than Arshad.
Whoever paid or whatever hoops she had to jump through in order to get Amira into a daycare, she was just happy that it was happening.
Within two weeks, Amira started daycare where she spent about eight hours everyday, from Monday to Friday.
Kausar had looked forward to the time but the silence and lack of anything to occupy threatened to make her go stir crazy. There was an ominous silence that surrounded the house at almost all times and now that Amira's squeals weren't there to break it, it started to make her fear being alone.
"There's nothing to do", She complained to Asiya again.
"Why don't you tutor some kids?"
"Ha!" She laughed derisively, "Do you not remember that I didn't even finish high school?"
"Beti!" Asiya said, tired of this recurring boredom, "You have a home, a husband, kids. Four kids! What are you so bored with? Most of your morning can easily be spent cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes. In the evening you'll have the kids back home. Hamza is home in the evenings. Why aren't a husband and four kids enough for you?"
"Hamza isn't my husband, Ami!" She said bitterly, "He's Shehla's husband. You know that".
"Well", Asiya tried to rewrite reality with her own take on it, "He is your husband too. No one can take that from you".
"Sure", Kausar said, a familiar melancholy borne of loneliness and rejection taking over her, "No one can take that from me except Hamza. And he never gave it to me so I don't have the right to call him my husband".
Asiya was quiet for many minutes. The wrongness of this decision stared her in the face many times every day. But it was hard to argue it either way. If Kausar hadn't married him, Rabia's kids would've gone to Shehla or they'd have ended up with Asiya. Once Asiya passed away, they'd have gone to Shehla regardless. Kausar found a shelter and the kids found the closest woman to a mother. On paper, it seemed so peachy.
But Kausar's sadness was hard to ignore. She had moments of outright defiance and then many months of deathly silence. It was hard to predict her now. When she had initially adopted the kids she seemed happier and even, content. Now she had withdrawn in her shell again.
"Aunty doesn't talk to me", Kausar's voice broke into her thoughts.
"Why?"
"Who knows?" Kausar said bitterly.
Asiya forced her to accompany her to shopping. But nothing made a dent in the black cloud that hung even lower on her ever-unhappy daughter.
"Wait a minute!" A thought struck Kausar as they toured the mall with halfhearted ambition, "Ami! Why didn't I think of this before? I'm such an idiot".
"What?" Asiya was baffled at this sudden inspiration.
"If I can't work because I'm not educated according the standards of all these respectable people around me then there's the solution! I'll go back to school. I can pick it up where I left off. I can have friends. I can later have a career. Maybe I can have a meaningful life too, Ami! I can do something also that educated women do. I can enrolled in my honors classes if I could just take a few tests to get my high school diploma. What do you think?"
Asiya bit her lip. It wasn't a bad idea at all. It gave Kausar something to do. It would keep her occupied. Her rebellion might be curtailed a little if she was so exhausted from studies and kids. Also, once she went back and realized that education after kids wasn't as easy, she might fizzle out and focus more on her home and kids. Maybe she'll have some more respect in Hamza's eyes if he saw she was applying herself.
"Please talk them, Ami!" She pleaded, "I'll die if I all I can do is stay at home and do nothing".
"I'll speak to them", Asiya said, smiling, "I think it's an excellent idea".
Asiya drove Kausar back. She hesitated on the threshold.
"Come on, Ami!" Kausar pulled her, "No time like the present. They're all home. Hamza and Aunty are both home. Let's chat with them now!"
They entered the huge palatial mansion that was usually with a deserted look.
"Baji!" Asiya and Nasima hugged. Nasima looked at Kausar. She avoided eye contact.
"It's been so long since we talked", Asiya complained lovingly, "You never come over any more. Why don't you get out a bit?"
"Nothing feels good, Asiya", Nasima said, "Everything is meaningless after the light of this family left us. It's all dark for me".
Asiya was quiet. She was stunned into silence. Rabia was her daughter but some of Kausar's complaints made sense now. Rabia's constant mention in a way that wasn't exactly without a subtle dig towards Kausar was hard to ignore. Any time she had been with Nasima recently, she had spoken about Rabia and Rabia only. It was not difficult to see that she hadn't agreed to Kausar's marriage to Hamza wholeheartedly.
They sat down and talked about mundane things.
Hamza came in too.
"So wonderful that you're here also, son!" Asiya said, her heart beating wildly in her chest, Kausar's sudden withdrawn silence threatening to take her courage also, "I actually came to have a little chat about Kausar with both of you".
The mother and son stared at Asiya. She had a feeling this was somewhat expected and anticipated.
"I have been talking to Kausar and one thing that she really has had to sacrifice through the years is her education", Asiya took a breath, "So I suggested to her that it might be a good idea if she went back to school".
More silence ensued. Hamza stared at the floor. Nasima stared into space.
"She's home all day long, kids are in school and she hasn't got much to do", She laughed gently, "You have staff for everything".
"She's welcome to help the staff", Hamza finally spoke.
"Son!" Asiya said, more pragmatic than Kausar had ever seen her, "How much is there to do in a home full of help? She needs a life of her own. Sitting here all day, waiting for you and the kids to come back doesn't spark any joy in her".
"She doesn't have to wait for me", Hamza said flippantly.
A dull red flushed Asiya's cheeks. A strange allegiance to her mother came over Kausar.
"I need a life too", Kausar spoke up, "I do sit around and wait for everyone to come back. How do you expect me to remain sane?"
"Sanity", Nasima finally said, "Is your own creation. We can't give it to you if you weren't born with it".
"What about people taking your sanity away from you?" Kausar asked quietly.
Nasima didn't reply.
"I don't want to fight about this", Asiya said earnestly, "I really think it would do all of us so much good if Kausar could pursue an education of her choice. All my girls graduated from college except Kausar. It's her right….."
Hamza rose up to his full height.
"I will decide her right, Aunty!" He said loudly. "She's my wife and I'll be the one to decide what's right for her".
"I'm not your wife", Kausar stood up also, almost as tall as Hamza and just as intimidating also, "You never accepted me as your wife. Don't go telling people that I'm your wife. Shehla is your wife".
He was immediately scared. This was a side of him that was unsavory and a huge turnoff for Kausar. He had no courage to have a conversation that was uncomfortable and urgent. His entire life revolved around convenience and ease. He carried affairs with women effortlessly, then broke up with them seamlessly and somehow remained best friends with them for the rest of their lives. Hamza Ahmed enjoyed a unique privilege. The privilege of never having to speak more than he wanted to!
"Whatever", He decided to end it defiantly. It was hard to not be a man under all circumstances. "You don't listen to anyone. You are in some sort of competition with Shehla but unless you are going to become a successful doctor overnight, this is all for naught. Going back to school won't make you anything. Right now you are a dropout. In a few years you'll be a mediocre college graduate. Suit yourself!"
He walked out. Nasima was quiet as before. Then she abruptly got up and left also.
"Ami!" Kausar squealed with suppressed glee.
Asiya laughed softly.
"Kausar!" She shook her head, love for the least loved child taking over for a minute, "You are rubbing off on me".
Kausar laughed loudly.
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