[New post] What relationships have a negative impact on you? WordPress writing prompt.
Homemaking in the Dunes posted: " What relationships have a negative impact on you? There are several types of relationships that have a negative impact on me. My family origin was dysfunctional, so I have to have very tight boundaries. I would say almost to the point I have to be c" Homemaking in the Dunes
There are several types of relationships that have a negative impact on me. My family origin was dysfunctional, so I have to have very tight boundaries. I would say almost to the point I have to be clinical in my dealings with certain individuals. Some of my friends have been parents who have had parenting issues. I cannot tolerate children being mistreated. Child maltreatment is something I do not condone. Years ago, I turned my friend into child services after many attempts to help her. Ironically, it didn't end the friendship because I did the act out of love and informed her that I was doing it.
One of the things I have learned through the years is that I am a fixer as a result of the role I was given in my family. There are people that you need to remove from your life because they are toxic. I don't care for people who bring a lot of drama and a dark cloud with them. Of course, no one's life is completely rosy, however, when their problems dominate your life.
This year I have chosen to work on forgiving my mother. The resentment that I have toward for is valid. There is no hope for a healthy relationship with her. My mother was not a responsible or present parent. She continues to be a not present and disinterested grandparent. I have tried to call her, but it always ends the same. The children will have the same experience. I have done all the mindset techniques, and the clinical skills that I learned, and I have changed my reactions to her. A healthy relationship is not possible. What I do know is I do not want a relationship with her. My mother doesn't deserve one with me. Our children do not need to have unhealthy interactions with her.
My mother took me from me the only home I ever knew. A place that still holds my happiest moments. My mother brought me to hell. Later, she would have another child whom she saddled me with the care of my sibling, often, waking me up in the night (at ten and school nights) to take care of her. Later, I was expected to provide for my sister.
The Word Press prompt was in line with my New Year's resolutions and upcoming Lent. I am planning on working on forgiving my mother. I do not intend to speak with her any longer. I will talk to the home manager monthly to manage her health. I am doing that because I am a responsible relative. As I write about my mother there is a heaviness in my chest. As a younger child, she loved being told she had such a beautiful child. In early puberty, I became a threat and competition. This is the year, I am going to let that go. I am going to put away those years. I am done with her passive aggression, which even other people are painfully aware of.
The mother's wound isn't as deep as it was. Most days, it is a deep, stinging paper cut. I don't have to be a loyal daughter and carry her dysfunction from her mother's abandonment. It is not my role to mother everyone, including her. That was a role, I refused to carry into my motherhood. I am sure it never helped that I look exactly like her mother. This is why she was able to "bond " with my homely sibling. However, the" bond" that she had with my sister was co-dependency.
People may disagree that if I working on forgiving her why am I still choosing to not have a relationship with her? Forgiveness is not for her, it is for me. No matter what my mother is not going to be kind to me or approach me in a loving way. I can be speaking to her about the mundane aspects of homemaking, she turns into a thing. There comes a day when you are done with it. There is no reason for me to subject myself to verbal abuse. None..... My happiest moments are when I HAVE NO CONTACT with her. I have removed her from my life several times. This time it is for good. I allowed family members to guilt trip me into letting her back into my life because they were sick of her.
It is healthy to avoid contact with my mother for my own well-being. Honestly, it is healthier for her too. She can allow everyone to believe that she was the mother of the year and that her adult children abandoned her. She can bask in the pity of her housemates. So, I am working on forgiving her, so I can feel light. My adult daughter finally understands that she has not been fair in the demands she has asked of me about her grandmother. She has been discovering for herself how difficult she is.
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