There was nothing special about this morning. The air was thick as everyday. The sky looked like it had too many clouds to count and the kids woke up with the same fearful expression that they had been wearing for a few days as recent events had unfolded.
There was nothing remarkable about it. Two lovers were going to meet soon but who cared? Certainly not the universe!
Kausar waited for the kids to leave. She wasn't going to the university for a few days. A lot had been happening and she had never had the best attention when multiple serious events were happening together. She needed to get it together.
Predictably, Hamza's head poked around the door of her room. He grinned like was so characteristic of him. She couldn't believe that this man ruined women's lives almost on the daily. He seemed harmless. He even seemed attractive.
"Whatcha doing?" He plonked himself in the center of the bed. Kausar smiled.
"Nothing", She said as she rifled through her closet trying to decide what to wear, "Just figuring out what to wear".
"For what?" His hugely inflated ego was duly stoked.
"It's a special day at school today", She said as she dazzled him with another smile, "We are getting project reports. I hope to have done exceedingly well".
His face fell. The fact that she wasn't getting ready to have sex with him registered quickly enough. But she seemed more pliable than before, that was something. Maybe she had realized that she didn't stand a chance against him.
Faith in his ever-conniving father was restored again.
"I've been thinking", Kausar sat next to him, "We are denying ourselves the simple pleasures of domesticity. You're right. I'm being unreasonable. We both have a past and it's time we moved on".
He held her hand immediately. The smile on Kausar's face didn't falter.
"I'm so glad you came around. Truth be told, I've been very apprehensive about it too".
"I understand", She said amicably, gently taking her hand away and pretending to scratch her nose, "I do think, however, that if we want to make it work then it should be slightly more organic. The man I was with…." She saw the expression on his face, "Not Arshad! The man I had Amira with…..he was a consummate gentleman. He really understood a woman", Hamza looked at her with confusion, "Much like you", He smiled, "He had been with many women and he used it to his advantage. He really made me feel alive. You know how you probably felt with Shehla".
The smile slipped off his face but he recovered remarkably well.
"I don't want to have a relationship with you that's comparable to any I have had before", He was chivalrous in an empty way, "We should write our own love story".
Kausar beamed.
"I think we should really get to know each other", She said, "And the first step would be trust. If I can't trust you then I can't be close to you. I'm sure you have the same standards",
"Absolument!" He said like a doofus.
"Trust starts with keeping our relationship between us. I know you're very close to your father and I owe him a great deal in how valiantly he has protected me and my daughter, but after all, he is my father-in-law and I wouldn't want a lot to go back to him. It's a thing of dignity and privacy! As your wife, should I not expect some of your allegiance to belong to me?"
"All of it belongs to you, Kausar!" He said like a trained dog, "I won't allow anyone to speak to me about our private life".
"Thank you", She said coyly. "I need to get ready. And then I need to run to Ami's place for some money also. I ran out of my monthly allowance that Ami and Abba give me….."
"You are not going to ask anyone for money ever again", He said, his face ablaze with righteous indignation, "You're my wife and I won't see you begging others for money. How much do you need?"
"Not much……Errr".
"Don't be shy", He exclaimed, "Tell you what? Here's some", He opened his wallet and took out many crisp bills, "And my secretary will transfer some money in your account. Don't ask anyone for anything. Come to me!"
Kausar's smile lit up the room.
She dressed up carefully. So much relied on being seen that she had to be conspicuous.
She had some money coming in. She was going to get her jewelry and sell it before the week was up. Hamza was going to help himself to her soon, she could tell. Stalling him wasn't easy.
Weeks ago she had suspected that she wasn't completely unnoticeable. Someone noticed her and kept account of how many times she smiled or laughed. Someone had a vendetta against her. She couldn't ignore the fact that Faraz was, as compassionate as he had been by allowing her to live here with Amira, her enemy. Her time was up, she could tell. If Hamza knew about Amira, she could only guess how many more people knew. If she consistently refused to let Hamza sleep with her she'd be in trouble.
She had a choice, she had realized. For the first time she had seen her life having two paths. The path of compliance where she gave people what they wanted at the detriment of her soul. Or the path of self-preservation. No one could fault her for preserving herself, could they?
This was a hole-in-the-wall place with silence so deep that no secrets could be shared. Her clothes rustled as she entered. The thought of seeing Adeel soon sustained her. She thought of asking for some coffee but didn't want to throw up. Today was all about precision. One wrong move could cause it all to collapse.
As she neared the back of the cafe someone's familiar profile welcomed her. He was already here.
Even though she had spent the better part of the last two days preparing for it, nothing could prepare her for the impact Adeel always had on her. Especially now! They had an estrangement between them. So much had changed and yet, her heart fluttered just the same way it did many years ago when they decided to get closer than anyone wanted them to.
He had been persistent before and she had resisted him much more than she had now. He was more eligible then. She didn't know he was a scoundrel and a cheater. She hadn't thought of hating him too one day. His dingy and dark apartment had been her favorite haunt for so many months that she had started calling it home. He was safe until he wasn't. Why he pursued her when he couldn't really take her was a mystery to her.
Guess it wasn't so much a mystery anymore. She had seen a side of most men when it came to rescuing her from themselves. They kept chanting they were different until the chips were down. Then all men were the same.
He was scrolling on his phone, such a dear old memory of how she remembered him that she was momentarily transported to another time, another place. They had something so powerful that there had been many cosmic explosions when they got together. She gained confidence and faith with him. She lost them when she lost him.
Guess anything given by a man remains fickle and untrustworthy.
He was patiently waiting for her. This was a long time coming and he hadn't even planned it. There was something to be said for spontaneity. Nothing beat it.
This wasn't about Amira. Or even Kausar. This was the sheer plight of every jobless man in Pakistan. They were all looking for a way out. He hadn't had any steady work since coming from the United States. As averse as he was to working hard and trying to find his footing, the job market wasn't exactly accommodating either. Whatever business degrees he had accumulated in another time quickly collected dust as he spent one lonely evening after another, after spending most mornings daydreaming of a big break.
His chance at something big had died with Arshad. Arshad took all hope of everything. He had been so diligent in sticking to the program. So diligent that even Kausar and her pregnancy had not gotten in the way of it. And then everything crashed. Because Arshad died!
Everything just evaporated afterwards. His mother got sick and died soon after. She was a longtime friend of Nasima's but Rabia's death had supposedly rendered Nasima so pathetic that she didn't even offer her condolences.
If he has seen Nasima he would've appealed for mercy, compassion, a job! Self-respect was small potatoes when it came to unemployment and hunger.
He managed to sell some trinkets that he found lying around the house. Some well-wishing relatives suggested that he apply to jobs that he was seemingly overqualified for. He laughed in their faces. He had a startup in New Jersey just a few short months ago. How could he scratch the bottom of the barrel just like that?
Turns out he did scratch the bottom of the barrel and then some.
This quest for life had come with lessons in humility. Many of them. And each time he slept on an empty stomach he thought of the woman who destroyed it all. Kausar!
Besides a causal affair, they had nothing. Her sheer stupidity of expecting something more when he was her husband's best friend had ruined everything he had built for himself. He had lost Arshad in the process. If he had known that the choice was between Arshad and Kausar, he would've chosen Arshad long before everything crumbled.
He had no interest in the child. Maybe Kausar was certain of the paternity of the child but he had absolutely no stake in the girl. He couldn't own her. He had nothing. How could he provide for a child he didn't even want? Why would he?
But Kausar was also the ticket back to greatness. With her by his side, his dream to become a citizen of the United States could materialize again. He could slowly reenter the circle that he was kicked out of. He could gain old friends, new opportunities, fantastic avenues. He could have it all again. And then, unfortunately, he and Kausar would have to part ways again. That was just the sad truth of this facade. She would remain as undesirable as she once was.
A looker she had never been. Conversations were hard for her. She had no social graces that could ultimately save her. Unfortunately nature had dealt her a bad hand when it came to being attractive. She had never been attractive to him. He had had a mere sexual interest in her when he was between girls. Even if it was something bigger, he shrugged his shoulders, now nothing was redeemable.
He sighed. He had never been patient and Kausar always missed the chance.
"Hi", A breathless voice spoke behind him. He had always marveled at how Kausar was the only woman he knew who had a vocal fry. Not many women had that granular quality to their voice. It was almost manly. It was also very easy to get used to.
He turned around. She smiled softly. It was like the years had never come between them.
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