Forget Me Nots flowers ... las flores No Me Olvides
52EssaysNextWave 4/52 52SlicesOfChingonaLife
I admit it. I had stopped going. I stopped visiting. I just stopped.
As each day passed, I worried, I felt guilty, I felt shame, I felt bad. This person needs nothing but a visit, Uncle did not want to be forgotten.
It got to the point that I had no peace of mind. Every time I got a call from his care home, I was praying that he was still alive. I was now afraid that I had waited too long, that he would be angry with me, that he would die before I got a chance to make things right.
For caregivers, painful feelings — such as guilt, sadness and anger — are like any other pain. It's your body's way of saying, "Pay attention."
I decided 'ENOUGH' of this mess, I was going to go back, scared or not, to visit my Uncle, suffering from dementia, what if he'd forgotten me? worse, what if he remembered me? and threw it in my face?
I was super nervous but went in to see him. Uncle had declined. It took him a minute to recognize me. He looked weak and not well. I decided to be completely honest with him, whether he understood or not, whether he cared or not.
Be compassionate with yourself: When you give yourself permission to have any feeling, and recognize that your feelings don't control your actions, your guilt will subside.
The one thing that really got me was his speech. It was like he had not spoken to ANYONE in a long time, as if his mouth and tongue needed help to make sounds and form words. That was it. I made a silent promise to finish what I started, to be there for him. It didn't matter anymore that I hadn't been there in a long time, what mattered now is that I handle it - nothing more, nothing less.
In my attempt to be a perfect caregiver, I ended up being unable to do anything at all.
Guilt is a common feeling in the landscape of caregiving. Guilt can propel you to be the best you can be…or it can immobilize you.
I kept saying that I had no time to get it all done in a day while all Uncle has is time. Now it is up to me to make the time so that he feels safe and comfortable.
Take action: Meet your needs. Needs are not bad or good; they just are.
I go for a little while each day. I don't have to stay long, all he needs is to see family, and he has no real sense of time so I will no longer feel guilty about how long I visit. I don't want him to die feeling all alone. I want him to be at peace and content. I want him to know that he has not been forgotten.
Saludos to all of you who are caregivers, try not to feel guilty and don't forget to take care of "you".
The tips in bold are from Caregiver.com "Eight Tips to Managing Caregiver Guilt" https://caregiver.com/articles/managing-caregiver-guilt/
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