Parenting with intention and heart builds healthy adults. Effective parenting requires one to look at the how, why, and solution to a child's behavior. How is the behavior going to suit my child in life? How do I respond? Why do I have this reaction to it? Is this a developmental stage? What is the solution? The word discipline means to teach. Fear and shame do not equal respect. There are times you absolutely need to be firm. People can be firm, yet kind. I am stricter than my husband is, yet, I allow space when needed.
We as parents have all dealt with children misbehaving. Eateries, the grocery store line, the list could on and on. I worked in the field with many families. The most troubled parent/child relationship was the parent who parented from ego. I saw this time and time again. How a parent views their traditional gender roles and how they view their child's gender role plays out in their responses. A great example is the playground. Little Johnny gets into a scuffle on the playground. A father may condone the behavior depending if his child is on the winning side. The mother may be horrified her child was aggressive, left out, or on the losing side. The key is to examine the conflict before you respond and give your child time to respond.
So, yesterday we were at the skate park in Denver. Our son had an issue with an older kid getting in his face. He pushed our son. Our son walked away. Our son was bigger than this kid. My husband is pretty gentle, however, he went to speak to our son about it. Our son walked away from my husband. My husband reacted out of ego toward our son. I let his parenting intervention play out. I reminded my husband that this is a very different generation. These days playground incidents turn into gunfights. So, my husband and our son went to sit in the van to talk. Our daughter continued to skateboard. The same kid started in on her. I had our dog, so I called our daughter to me. Well, our son got out of the van and ran over to the kid. My husband was behind him. Our son told the boy to back off. The kid cursed out our son. The kid's father walked over swearing. My husband offered his hand to the father. He made a comment to my husband that wasn't cool. I put the dog and our daughter in the van and got my phone.
I had been recording our kids skateboarding on my GoPro. My husband hollered to me to show the day the exchanges between the kids. The father watched. He looked at our son and said "You have a lot of self-control. " He started to berate his son about being aggressive to girls. He made his son apologize. This could have been so much worse.
I allow my husband and son the space to work out the male pecking order because it still exists in our society. I don't always agree with his immediate response, however, we are a united front always. We discuss privately when we are in disagreement about parenting interventions. I tend to reflect on the child's behavior and use it as a teachable moment. The one question I always ask myself Am I parenting from heart or ego?
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