From the blog, of a man, who'd been, raped, molested, by his nanny and her family, with nobody believing in him, on slowly, coming to the knowing, the acceptance of what had, happened, in his own, childhood MISERY, translated by me…
Trauma is, a, time, machine, instantly, transporting our souls into the past.
The sorrows are far away, distant, but, I'm, right, HERE.
The me that's, traveled through time from the present, to the moments of the, past, am I, still, me?
With my soul, extracted out of my body, am I, still me?
Trampled down by the memories of trauma of my younger years, here, this moment in time, am I still, me?
Everyone asks the questions of the self: am I, okay, now?
But most of the time, the expected response, was the, question of have I been, returned, to the, present? Can I start living now? Can I, find a job now? Don't get me wrong, these are, all vital questions about being.
But, if you want my answer, I want to share:
What defines "I", or me, and what constitutes as "okay".
imaging living in this as a young, child...and you're so little, and can't, escape...
photo from online
Included in the "I", were the moments of being overwhelmed with the fears of being abandoned by my own parents.
Along with my own hypervigilance of staying with, those who'd, raped me, with the stamina I'd gained, having, survived through, all of, these moments of time.
Nothing is as it actually is by reference. The milk tea here in Taiwan, is not the milk tea in Hong Kong. The prototype of mothers in the textbooks, aren't like our own mothers.
Your pains, not identical to mine.
If you really care for another person, you need to put in a lot of time, to understand where the individual comes from, the meanings, the symbolisms of every word that's used by the individual.
Then, you can finally get, closer to the real, "me".
As we were writing our columns, we always come across of a ton of cases of child abuse from other countries, with too many of these cases, too cruel, too, unimaginable. But the words we read, can't even come close to what the children growing up in those backgrounds were, weathering, through.
The pains of the survivors, the next-of-kin of the survivors, are, in every single details of their day, accumulating in the sleep, the meals, the relationships with others, the, trust, accumulating into a large, mass.
As these young children come before you through the passages of time, how do you explain to them, what "I", is?
If s/he is hurt by a parent, or a caretaker, a relative, a school instructor, the "me" would've gotten damaged even more. But how do we explain it, to, others?
What's hidden behind the "okay", are, oftentimes, the society's expectations, the judgments of the values of the, "damaged" person.
But, if we get down to the core of "me", then, we will come to know, that this "okay" that's agreed upon, is, absolutely a, LIE.
But there are, a lot of people who cared about the psychological wellbeing too.
Are you now, considered, "okay".
Then, naturally a child (or an adult) who'd been, hurt, will take you on the ride on the, time machine. Back to the "I'm okay" from the past, then, suddenly, drops us into, the, "I'm NOT okay".
Along with all the selves that came, after that that are, in need of, care, that feeling of, being, isolated, with no one who understands, what we're, going, through.
This is a very long journey, with our bodies, right here, and our psyches, far, far, away. And, return back to this, present moment, you will no longer be you, and I, no longer, me, anymore.
Will you be willing, to strap yourselves, under that, safety belt, and take this, journey, with, me??? The adventures of your own, individual, lifetimes.
And so, yeah, we are, in, desperate need of, that, "traveling companion" on this, journey, to healing our own selves, from our separate traumas of the childhood years, but, who can take this journey FOR us? Uh, nobody, that's W-H-O, this is something we must, weather through, ALONE, and it will be difficult (trust me, 'cuz I'd already, been there, and, oh yeah, done THAT too, 'k??? So, do NOT doubt my authority on this). And, it's only going to get really hard, because you (whoever YOU may be out there???), still ain't come to your own senses, in ADMITTING to your selves, that heck, mommy and daddy they NEVER loved me, and I'm, damaged as a kid.
End of "therapy session" here, pay my secretaries!
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