A shadow fell across the room. She could tell who it was. Of all the women she had borne, this one was the tallest.
She tried to open her eyes but weakness didn't allow it. It was a painful exercise, moving her muscles. She remembered how Rabia liked to sleep through the day, numb with her pain medicines, waking up to look forward to seeing a husband who was a charmer and a snake.
Over the last twenty years, she noticed through her delirium, Kausar's feet had gotten heavy. She was a lithe girl. But, Asiya realized, Kausar had never been a girl. She had been raised to be a woman.
"Ami!"
Her voice wasn't familiar anymore either. It used to be with a heavy vocal fry. There was a grittiness to it, so unlike Kausar's personality. But, Asiya corrected herself, she had always had grit. She was gritty if ever there was a gritty woman.
"Ami!" The prodigal daughter called again. She had let everything go to waste. Interestingly, she had also won everything back, it seemed.
She finally opened her eyes. The room swam and then steadied.
"How are you, Ami?" Kausar's hands were cold as ice.
"Better now", Asiya smiled, "I saw you. Now death will come quickly for me".
Tears ran down her cheeks. She hadn't planned on crying. But nothing had ever gone according to plan.
"Why're you crying?" Asiya asked, her once proud face gaunt and cadaverous. "Small atonement for how I ruined my girls' lives. I like this end. What I did to you and your sisters……there shouldn't be any punishment less than cancer for it. I like it. I can feel Rabia's pain finally. She used to keep pushing the food away and I kept shoving it down her throat. She'd eat sometimes. Sometimes she'd get upset with me. I got upset with her. Then she'd take some painkillers and sleep again. God bless the painkillers! They're the only thing I look forward to now".
Ovarian cancer! Rare but so catastrophic for generations of women in the same family. Maybe many women had died before Rabia and Asiya with it, Kausar thought, but no one likely bothered to find out why their wives had abdominal pain and weight loss.
"Kausar!" Asiya said, her voice barely an audible whisper, "That night….the night you left…..do you remember that night?"
"Of course, Ami!"
"I have a confession", Asiya hiccuped.
She felt her insides frosting over. She wasn't used to their ways anymore. The deceit ran so deep in her pious family that it was hard to ever not watch out for it.
"I knew", Asiya said finally, "I knew you weren't living there as his wife. I knew your marriage was not consummated. I knew he never acknowledged you".
Hamza's rejection of her had never bothered her. She was more intrigued by what Asiya had to say.
"I thought", Asiya continued, "That it was because he loved Rabia so much. I didn't know it was because….you know!"
"Because he thought I was an adulteress", Kausar completed her sentence, "Ami! It's fine. Really!"
"I tried to protect you", Asiya's eyes widened. The grip on Kausar's hands tightened, "I tried to protect you but your Abba……I tried to save you from them by pretending I didn't know about it all. When I heard about Amira's paternity, I was angry at you but I feared for your life, Beti! I feared for your life. It was your mother's weakest attempt at restoring your dignity and safety. But……", She stared into space.
Asiya had loved them. In her own way she had. They had no other parent. When Rasheed returned things had become strained amongst the women. Rasheed had damaged the peaceful equation that they had so meticulously put into place.
It seemed like the painkillers relieved more than just pain for Asiya. Soon after she called for the nurse and asked for some strong pain medicine. The nurse lightly objected. Asiya insisted that it was the only thing that helped her to sleep. Soon, she was snoring. Kausar stepped out.
Sitting against the wall of the room right outside was Rasheed. Their eyes met. Somehow he hadn't aged at all. The same boyish face with the heavy eyebrows. The same mop of thick hair. The same staple of shalwar kameez and sandals. He hadn't changed at all.
Funny how they don't change, she thought. My mother is fighting for her life in there and he is healthy and whole.
"Kausar!" He said as tears rolled down his cheeks.
He wasn't a safe space. He had never been. She couldn't cry with him.
She walked off.
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