Creating Great Leaders & Other Practical Parenting Advice
We did not scale the rod because we thought we could, we scaled it because we were terrified that we couldn't."
— Page 226, Purple Hibiscus
After my husband died I devoted a large part of my life to working with children. At the same time, I was teaching Effective Leadership and Management at UC Berkeley. This was a lucky coincidence for the struggling readers I was tutoring on a weekly basis. Prior to Covid-19, I saw 22 children once per week at my offices in Lafayette, California. When I was tapped by UC Berkeley to teach the leadership class I began having my students as young as six years old read books to me on the great leaders of our time. This included people like Amelia Earhart, Abraham Lincoln, Nicola Tesla, George Washington, Alexander the Great, and Harriet Tubman to name a few. I was not only teaching reading I was also teaching comprehension so we would discuss these great leaders, their contribution to society, and what leadership meant. Needless to say, it was a time of great learning for myself, my students, and everyone around me.
Teaching the leadership class for the first time also coincided with my two daughters returning home unexpectedly to quarantine during COVID-19. My class was moved from campus to Zoom and my daughters got to see the slides for each lecture as I was creating them. This was invaluable in teaching them how to be great leaders even though I had always set the bar very high for them not just in academics which became less important to me as they grew, but in the development of their values and ethics. I didn't want to just create smart people I wanted to create good people that I could be proud of on all levels.
As we set expectations for our children we need to think less about achievement and more about instilling in each child a sense of personal ethics, identity, self-awareness, and values. The achievement of goals should then be structured around their natural gifts and talents and how they relate to becoming the person that they wish to be. At every step of the way defining and communicating the values and ethics that create strong leaders must be fostered.
Often it is tempting to mold our children into societal norms or what we believe to be our own ideal including the opportunities we did not have or the roads we wish we would have chosen. Instead, we must look at what their innate strengths are and guide them toward the development of those strengths as most great leaders are unique and walk their own path. Setting the bar high and believing they will reach the goals that they themselves set is mission-critical for parents.
Ensuring that our encouragement is directed in a healthy way toward what the child is interested in doing and not what we feel is logical based on the ethos of our time is an important factor.
"It was what Aunty Ifeoma did to my cousins, I realized then,
setting higher and higher jumps for them in the way she talked to them, in what she expected of them. She did it all the time believing they would scale the rod. And they did. It was different for Jaja and me. We did not scale the rod
because we thought we could, we scaled it because we were terrified that we
couldn't."
- Page 226, Purple Hibiscus
In the novel The Purple Hibiscus by the Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie the protagonist Kambili is forced to scale the rod not because she believes she can and has an inner confidence but out of fear of her dominating father. This book revolves around the expectation of being perfect. The tone and mood of the text has a depressing and fearful feeling. Both Kambili and her brother Jaja are so afraid they won't "scale the rod" that the joy of life eludes them. As the story unfolds they begin to see a different way of confronting life's challenges and pursuit of achievements.
I could see early on the danger of pushing my children too much beyond ensuring they went to school every day and that all of their assignments were turned in on time. I could have forced them to study more by threatening and grounding them, but I took a step back and decided that being well-rounded and happy was more important to me than having a child attend an Ivy League college. In the end, this turned out to be wise as their father died suddenly of a heart attack while they were in high school and the social structures they had formed in sports and with close friends shored them up. Their grades remained good and they both did very well on their college admission tests earning academic scholarships. They worked hard and both earned their Bachelor's degrees in four years.
Finding the middle ground between guiding and hovering, can be difficult. However, it is vitally important to not leave your child to figure things out entirely on their own. Employing a watchful and protective eye coupled with gentle guidance is advised as children and young adults left to their own devices can take a circuitous route that is long and complicated rather than simple and direct. I believe that studying your child and then helping them to shape a plan to get where they are going is essential. Not just at six years old, even at twenty-three I continue to shape my adult children into strong leaders and guide them in their career decisions. I do not wait for them to figure it out. I believe in staying close and involved because, with our own backgrounds and years of experience, we can guide our children toward professions that are well-suited to their interests, talents, and abilities.
I have never stopped advising my children and although I am happy where they are right now I will begin a campaign to get them into graduate school next. For now, I am watching as they begin their careers with their heads down providing value to their employers with integrity and hard work. However, I am beginning to plant the seeds.
I will continue to set the bar high for them at every stage and as always believe they can reach it.
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