 | reneemtanner Jan 5 | Dear Renée-of-the-Past,
Remember when you used to write in your diary to me? You'd start off by saying, "Dear Renee-of-the-Future, I hope you are still visiting Grandma and Grandpa as often as you can and I hope they are still alive and healthy."
You'd say, "I hope your friend is nicer to you. She's been kind of mean lately."
(So many hopes. So bossy. This young Renee-from-the-Past.)
It's been a few decades, but I think it's time I wrote you back.
Grandpa died in December of 2000. Stomach cancer. It was such a sad and scary time. I was in awe of Grandma, who appeared to be so strong. I remember telling her that in the hospital. She looked at me, dumbstruck. Her eyes held a vacant look I'll never forget. "No, I'm not," she said.
Well, Renée-of-the-Past, you wouldn't believe all that you will go through if I told you, but here goes:
Your friend never really got nicer. You just drifted apart from her. Don't worry. You learned your lesson and only made friends with nice people. But eventually, they all drift away, too. But that's OK, too.
Remember that time at the fair when you visited a fortune-teller on a whim? She said you could ask one question. So you said, "Who will I marry?" (because I guess that's all you could think about back then). She said you'd marry someone who is hard-working with a kind face. So general, but, as it turned out, so true.
You do fall in love. You have children. You won't believe how wonderful your children are if I told you, so you'll just have to wait and see.
But Renée, I'm going to be honest with you. You will struggle. You will suffer. You will experience an unfathomable blow to your heart. And it will happen sooner than you think. Remember when you told Grandma she was strong? And she looked at you the way she did? Well, years later, just 15 years later, you will know exactly what she felt. Everyone around you will say you are strong. And you will look at them like they're insane. Because you don't feel strong. You feel beat up. Defeated. Knocked out.
You will want to give up on life.
I'm not telling you this to scare you, or even to prepare you. There's nothing you can do to be ready for that. I am telling you though that it will be OK. You will be OK. Your kids will be OK. You will even find love again. Through all of it, you will have a depth to your being, to your very soul, that will bring a new understanding to life. To others. To yourself.
Be well, Renée-of-the-Past. I know you so well. I forgive you for everything. I love you more than anyone. Thank you so much for writing to me.
Love always, Renée-of-the-future | | | |  | You can also reply to this email to leave a comment. | | | | |
No comments:
Post a Comment