How it is, as his mother moved in with them, and how she'd, felt the need to labor physically more in her son's home, to contribute, but she's less agile, with age, and so, the son is having the troubles, on telling his mother to take it easy, translated…
In getting along with the older generations of the families, sometimes, the goals were to not make the love flow, but to, give one another, more room to, breathe.
My mother who'd injured her spinal column, these past few years, couldn't stand for a long time, couldn't walk a long, time either, she'd not gone out traveling with us a long, long time now. Seeing how alone she was stuck at home, I'd felt bad for her, and once, at a gathering of the families for the meals, I'd, enticed her to come visit out with us, and before I took her out, I'd, given her the inoculations, "don't worry, we're only out for one meal, then, we'll, get you home right afterwards, there's no other places on the schedule, and you won't get, tired."
And yet, the elder didn't have enough of an appetite, and, in a few short minutes after the foods were served, she'd, stopped, eating. My wife and I glanced over at her, she seemed to be, waiting for, us, suddenly, we'd both felt, tensed up, and quickly, swiped all the foods off of our plates, out of our bowls, into our, mouths, paid the tab, then, rushed her, home again. Because my mother had a set schedule, it was time for her regular nap after lunch.
That experience, made me realized, that sometimes, the love we thought was love, on my mother's end, it may be, burdensome. And so, after this, I'd, decided, not to, force her again, and, as we'd asked her, and she'd not nodded, then, I would, respect her choice, because she has her own tempo of living her own life.
The lunch for the elder, always done before noon, and she'd gone down for her nap early, to take a rest, then, she'd, put on her sunglasses, and went out for that early afternoon stroll. My mother has a group of friends whom she worked out with, she'd jokingly called themselves, "the Merry Widows", because everyone in the group lost their husbands, and, they had a lot in common in conversations. My mother would always bring the snacks to share with the ladies, and after they'd worked out, they'd, gone on to the afternoon tea sessions. Sometimes, I'd heard her told of someone else's interesting matters, and she got so animated, in talking, I guess, I should feel, relieved, and, be glad, that even as she's elderly now, she could still, be so full of, energies, and is still, socializing with her own, friends.
My mother's energies, it'd shown on how she'd done all the household chores herself. She's not as agile as she used to be now, and, her bone density loss also, made her, less agile too, but she's still gone by her schedules, mopped, swept the floor, clean the bathrooms, wiped down the cabinets, setting the clothes, the quilts, the sheets out to dry…….she's very busy, and, even more focused and concentrated than both my wife and I, went we do these, chores around the, house.
Ormaybe, she'd felt, that living with her son, her daughter-in-law, she's, supposed to, contribute a bit, helping with the chores, it's made her more at ease about it. But, in my interpretations, sometimes, it'd felt, that we'd not done everything perfectly, which caused her to need to, pick up after us, to clean up what we'd not been able to, sort through or get to fully.
And yet, when her body could no longer withstand the laboring, she'd started, aching all over, when she showed that look of, discomfort, my wife and I would feel, a whole lot of, pressure on us. Although all those, household chores that are, minor to us, was her own automatically doing, but, she'd done it to the point that her body couldn't handle it anymore, and it'd become our faults.
illustration from UDN.com...the mother feels the need to contribute to her son's household, because he's "taking her in"...
So, as we saw her maternal love overflowing out again, ready for her, next, mission, I'd reminded her, to finish the task she was currently working on, and just, take a short break, before she goes to manage the next task on her list, "don't tire yourself out, do remember to take your breaks, no need to be so serious about this!" I know, that the elders, being agile enough to move, with the willingness to work around the house, that's a blessing, but I'd had to, slam on the brakes for her too, otherwise, she would, tire herself out, and it would, add to both of our, mental stresses and, pressures.
My midlife is my mother's elderly years, I'd realized, that how we both show and express our love to each other, we'd needed, to change our ways. If the love makes you feel the more pressured, and burdened, do remember, to use a little less force. Taking it easy, feel more at ease, then, you will be able to, add the amicable interactions between you and your, aging parents as both of you grows older.
So, the problem here, is still the gap of the generations, of how they'd prioritized differently, because the older generations have a set schedule, early to rise, early to rest, and had a strict diet, because that's how she'd lived her whole life, and that's not possible for her to change, and so, as the younger generations, we must all, adapt ourselves, and this usually puts strains on the relationships between parents and children, and, if we don't manage this well enough, then, there would be conflicts that happen every single day, as our aging parents move in with us, as we feel that we have the obligations, to care for them, because they'd, raised us up, and that's, no good!
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