I thought I wouldn't be writing about grief, but here I am on this subject that is not my personal favourite but it seems to push its way in my life anyway. It annoys me when I hear things like "I know how you feel," or "You know, you know what you should do?", "I don't understand why .you...", "You know you're showing her you're annoyed,.." etc...
Let me write it this way. If you've not been a primary caregiver before, you would never understand how it's like. So, if you really want to support someone you know who is a caregiver, do not judge him/her for the decisions made because you're not him/her. Until you become him/her, and step in her shoes then you may begin to understand.
Be very careful with the question, "how are you?" It can be a landmine. If you're not ready to listen without judgement, best to not say anything. However, if out of your genuine concern, perhaps you can offer to listen and be a sounding board. We may be caring for our loved ones, but the frustrations and the lack of sleep tiredness are all very real. Just because the care receiver is someone we love, it doesn't mean our bodies do not feel exhausted. It is very draining emotionally, mentally and physically.
To me, silence is better than offering unsolicited advice, suggestions or opinions. Since when does caregiving mean that we have to continue to show a cheery face, like everything is going to be all right. The fact is we're feeling all sorts of emotions and processing them all the time.
The grief is not about death but the loss of life as it used to be. Missing out the interaction with friends because of obvious reasons. Missing out on exercise, looking out at the pool and gym - wondering when you can go for your workout again. And grieving because you somehow lost the joy you have when you were deep into your passion (art/music/writing)... somehow things just no longer feel the same.
If you're a caregiver as well, you might know where I'm coming from.
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