The friendships that we once, cherished so much, break, so easily, and you can't get that back, no matter how much you wish you could, return to before…translated…
When Everything Falls Dark Before Me, I'd Lost My, Friend, and This Had Been Caused by Me. Later I'd Come to Understand, it's My Bipolar that's Caused My Mind to Dis-Order, That Was Why I'd Spoken Those Words, to, Destroy Our Many Years of, Relationships, But, I Can't, Get Any of that, Back Anymore……….
Having Been Bullied, I'd Lacked that Sense of, Belonging
Growing up, I was this, happy-go-lucky kid, but as I entered into the middle school, there were, the cliques that started, forming amongst us girls, that'd made me, uncomfortable, then I was, bullied. Ever since, interpersonal relations became one of my weaknesses, until I'd entered into the university years.
Or maybe, it was because how everybody matured in the university days, although there were still those, cliques in class, but, mostly they were all based off of geography, or interests, etc., etc., etc.,………..whatever reasons there may have been, that drew the people toward, one another, and, the groups didn't reject one another, and, when there's something happening in our major, we'd all, worked as a whole, unit, and that was when I'd, finally had my, long awaited on, group of, girlfriends. Being genuine is very important to me, in my early days in education, I'd joined in with some cliques, but, when one of the members wasn't present, the rest would gossip on the absent person, but, weren't we all, friends? Then, what had other people said of me, when I wasn't, around? So I'd started, fearing, interacting with people, and, dropped out, of all those, cliques.
illustration from UDN.com
In the university years, the group of us sisters, we always shared everything that was good, helped one another out when things get awful. The six of us called one another based off of the second character of our names, for instance, my name's second character was "Yi", they'd call me, "Mrs. Yi", another member's second character was, "Song", and we'd noted her as, "Mrs. Song". While this, "Mrs. Song", was a highly noted person of our, major, she's tall, with tons of ideas, agile and intelligent, eyes, long flowing hair, intelligent, gentle, she was, a rooster in the house full of hens. And although she's already with someone, all of our male classmates and older schoolmates still tried, she had a ton of, suitors. There would be guys who'd asked to take her to classes, because we went to Wenhwa University, we can only take the buses to get us up and down the mountains, but, if someone wants to give Mrs. Song a lift, then, we would all, stuff ourselves, crammed into the backseat, the four of us.
Other than Mrs. Song, the rest of the other sisters had individual, suitors too, after school there would be guys who wanted to walk with us to the bus stops, and during the time, if the males wanted to buy a drink or a snack, then, he would have to purchase six sets of things for all of us. My girlfriends are all popular, and I'd, mixed into the bunch, to get my fair share of free offerings, and, what made me cherished this friendship was how we all, cared about one another, we never gossip about any member of the group, when she's not around, and, so many times I'd lost love, it was them, who'd, allowed me to cry into their shirts.
If I had an eight o'clock lecture to go to, I'd had to wait early for Route 260 at Taipei Main Station, the line was super long, and finally, I got on, and, there was, these elderly women in the groups, going to the hot springs. And, as one of them got on, she would save the seats with her stuff for the others to come. This became, too trying for us, students, although we were young, and can stand all the way, but, it took, at least an hour for the ride to school. And I'd, often mumbled, "Old lady, can't you guys come out half an hour later, why must you all catch the buses at my first period?" But looking at them, I'd thought, if the group of us, girlfriends are like that when we're, older too, hanging out, hiking out, going to the soaks, as one another's, companions, wouldn't that be, amazing!
We'd shared many moments of bliss. In the summer and winter breaks, the guys who wanted to date us would rent a van, to take us to the middle and southern parts of the country to visit, at night, we lay on the patches of Kenting, looking up at the stars. One year, we spent New Year's Eve at Taipei City government office, someone drove us to Yilan, where we could see the Guishan Island, we talked all the way, waiting for the sunrise. As we began working, when we have the troubles with our work, we'd gone to one another to talk it out, Mrs. Song had, helped me through many of my, lowest, moments—later, I'd understood, that because my father felt he couldn't help me and felt bad seeing me through my hardest, he'd called her up privately, and asked her to care for me especially. But, my friendship with her, was ended, by, me.
I'd Missed the Times of the Past I Can't Get Back Again
About six years ago, I'd gotten stuck at work, felt awful, and, I couldn't hold back my temper, and got into a shouting match with my manager! And, what's worse, was that my in-laws started, meddling into how I was raising my children, and we'd gotten into the fierce, fights. All of these incidents, caused me, who originally had depression, to worsen, and the things I didn't feel compelled to share with my own parents, not wanting to make them worry, I'd shared them, with my group of, girlfriends, Mrs. Song and the, others. Unfortunately, the heavens won't give me a break, six months later, my father was diagnosed with liver cancer, and soon as they'd found it was already, toward the, final stages. The whole family sought out the famed oncologists, at this time, my younger sister with the medical backgrounds would always take notes in the sessions with the oncologists, and tried to understand the suggested treatments recommended to my, father, while I can only, listen from the side, worried, not knowing what I can do to help. And I started, having, depression, and, Mrs. Song was always there, working her best, to give me the emotional, social support I was desperately in need, of, gave me a ton of advice, told me to stay strong, that this is the time when my father needed me, the most. And yet, her words can't register with me, and I couldn't, manage, I'd started using alcohol to numb myself out, and her words of console, became a source of our, argument. I was already, melted down, I didn't want to hear those rational, bullshit from her! Can't she just, stay beside me, while I, cried, allow me to throw my, temper, tantrums!"
I'd become, overly sensitive during that period of time, one day, my father LINED me, "my good daughter, I'd heard that you'd started, drinking and smoking a lot of late, are you, trying to, keep me worried, that I can't, focus on my treatments?" within a split second, I'd realized, that this was told to my father by, Mrs., Song! I'd lost it completely, called her up, and cussed her out, then, blocked her out of all of my apps, swore to her I was, never going to, talk to her again ever! And, I'd, cussed at her openly on FB too, I was, so furious of how she'd told my situation to my father, who was, already, ill, to make him worry over me. Later, I'd understood, that it was my father who'd, inquired her about what's wrong with me, as he'd noted that something wasn't, quite right with me, but even so, I still couldn't accept the truth from her. Within a week, I was, forcibly hospitalized, reason was I had the manic episodes, I'd hit and shoved my, husband. I was originally only diagnosed with depression, and then, it was, bipolar, I was, locked into the Wanfang Hospital's psych ward, and couldn't be allowed, out, that year on Father's Day, it was my father, who'd been, gravely, ill who'd, come to the hospital to, visit, me……...
I thought that nobody understood me, not only did I break up with Mrs. Song, I'd, exited out of the group. At my most lonely and helpless moments, when there's nothing but, darkness that fell before me, I'd lost all of my, friends, and I was the one, who'd, caused, it. Later I'd, come to understand, that it was my bipolar that's caused me to lose my mind, that was why I'd spoken those awful things, destroying our, long time relationship, but I can't get any of that back anymore. These years, I'd gotten, used to it too. The first year after my father died, I'd slowly, finished grieving, and would often dream about how the group of us would, hang out, or go out to travel, but, even if it was me dreaming, I'd known clearly, that these were, dreams, that, the six of us will, never be as close as we'd, once, been………..
Later I'd started reading up the psychology volumes, the books by Adler, they'd, encouraged the readers, "things aren't as bad as you think they can be, you have the decision to take that very first out…", so I'd, worked up my courage, sent a Friendship invite to Mrs. Song, and through my other girlfriends, I'd asked about her too. three days later, she'd asked a friend to tell me, that she'd been checking up on my messages, and noted that I was, okay, she's okay too now, and, let's just keep a safe distance from each other like we have right now.
To my sisters, I was, only a friend of theirs in the college years, and, there are the friends we make in the varied stages of our, lives. But for me, these girlfriends, they were, my only group of true friends, without them, I'd not had, any more, friends.
Due to my health, I can't, return back to, work again, I'd often, traveled alone. From someone else's views, I may look free, but, everywhere I'd gone, seeing those, group of silver haired friends, I'd, thought back to the wish I made back then, that past that I will, never, get, back, again…………
So, this is how you lost, your, best friends, not because you guys grew up, but because, of some awful things you'd said to your best friend from college, and it's, really sad to see, how this close a connection can break, after the accumulated instances of upset you two had felt, but, that's life, we will, lose those who are, important to us in life, because, nobody is with us forever, and in the end, we all, end up, alone………..
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