Sexism, due to societal expectation of the roles of women, and besides, we women became, MAIDS after we marry into our HAS-BEENS' (b/c we're all, looking for our ways out right now!!!), families, and this ain't changing, ANY TIME soon! Translated…
I was born and raised in a very huge family, since I could remember, I'd seen my mother busying from sunrise to sunset, other than taking care of the families, she also had to work. Under the pressures of the multiple roles she took, she'd often felt too fatigued, and, it's normal for her to feel, upset. In her era, living with the in-laws, taking care of her in-laws is matter-of-fact, otherwise, a woman gets slapped with the bad name of being "unfitting".
married women, USED as FREE MAIDS!!! Illustration from online
Lately, my father-in-law fell ill, my husband's side of the families were all worried. Because my father-in-law also raised my husband and his siblings like a mother would, they were very close with him, and they'd discussed to take care of my father-in-law as he was being discharged from the hospital, and yet, everybody works, they can't take leaves of absence as they needed to, and my husband's siblings told him, to tell me, that as a daughter-in-law, I should, shoulder up my equal share of, responsibilities for caring for my father-in-law too.
And yet, from my own mother's predicament, I'd become confused as to which tasks, which duties of a daughter-in-law was obligatory, and which ones had been assigned to me without me knowing. The doctors told that my father-in-law should not be out of bed, that he can only be in diapers, and, he'd needed a dry bath in bed too; for the family members who weren't trained as professional caretakers, caretaking became too difficult. Despite how my father wasn't largely built, but being equally slim and thin, as I'd moved him, flipped him over or helping him change into a clean set of clothes, it'd become stressful to me both physically AND mentally. My father is well aware of what's happening around him, and, as I needed to change him, this sort of a physical contact became, too, awkward. Although, I'm helping an ill elder, but, our roles, our relationships, are all right there, and, neither one of us can pretend, that everything is, as, usual.
There are, too many difficulties of being a "daughter-in-law", other than the traditional, ethical frames of things, there are also, the stereotypical impressions of sex. Must we all, shoulder the responsibilities of taking care of our in-laws, simply because we're women? Are we better at taking care of others because of our, sex? And yet, as the role became a "son-in-law's", then the sons-in-law don't get, expected as much—whenever the sons-in-law are willing to do something for the wives' families, the in-laws became, ever the more, grateful.
In today's world, as the populations are entering into the super elderly eras, long-term care is a problem that every single family must face, and how to find that balance of respect, and understanding in the process of caring for our, aging, elders? How do we not get crushed by the hardships of caretaking, to the point of, getting into upset with the families? How do we, come to accept the process of death in life as, natural in this, instead of blaming ourselves too hard, when the ones we took care of, passes, away? How to, get outside of that, traditional framework of things, and allow the trained professionals to provide the long-term care needs, instead of having the families take care of the ailing elder? If the daughters-in-law had in their hearts to be kind to their in-laws, naturally, they needed to be shown, gratitude and respect.
"Daughters-in-law", your title is not a "mandatory caretaker".
But, that's just it, the culture expects us women, to shoulder ALL the roles of caretaking, because we're women, and because we're married to our husbands, everything IS about their sides of the families, and, a woman gets, spread too thin, especially when she's an only child of the family, with NO other brothers or sisters around, to help take care of her own two parents, and, this woman also has to be tentative too the needs of her, parents-in-law, because she is a married woman, and everything should focus around her husband's family, and that, is the never-ending problem of who should go and take care of the parents, when they need us? And this SHIT will NEVER get solved, until, people start realizing, hey, you are not responsible for taking care of my parents, and it's okay, that when we can't look after our own elderly parents 24/7 as they might need, its' okay, that we put them into a long-term care facility, so they will have better quality care than what we can offer them at home!
But unfortunately, it's still the GENERAL ASIAN consensus, that if an elder gets placed into a nursing home, then, the elder's children aren't living UP to their filial piety responsibilities, but think about it, we work around the clock, and this IS a dual-income society, we both need to work out of the home, to make sure we make enough to raise our families, so, it's still the woman who gets, the SHORTEST ENDS of those, STICK. Because it's EXPECTED that we women are the caretakers of our families, because the world's states of mind is still, STUCK in the cavemen days, when it's you, out hunting with your big-ass CLUBS, leaving US, inside the CAVES, tending to the, H-E-A-R-T-H…who says that anymore, huh???
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