funtasiegirl posted: " Recently I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and how it shaped me into the woman I am today. I took a picture this summer in my grannys new garden. It was actually inspired by a picture she took of me 20 years ago when I was still a little gi"
Recently I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and how it shaped me into the woman I am today.
I took a picture this summer in my grannys new garden. It was actually inspired by a picture she took of me 20 years ago when I was still a little girl. I observed every detail of these two pictures. On both I look quite graceful. There is calmness. My face expression is about the same despite that I'm 20 years older. While I look at my pictures I cannot but remind myself of what my mom said few years ago. "You build the house starting from the roof ". I actually reflected on this a lot even before I started family of my own.
The conclusion I came up with is that everything in life is just like the process of building houses. If the base of the house is weak, the house construction weakens with time until it collapses. I think its the same with raising children. If you let them be on their own from the start they will learn to be independent. If you let them down, time after time, they will learn to not depend on you and will become solution-oriented. If you let them spend most of their time with strangers, they may learn that flesh and blood is not what makes a family. A bond of love is stronger than that.
People often say while looking at the kids "She takes after her dad" or " She will be like her mom". I don't feel like that about my kids or other peoples kids because during my growth and by working with kids at my first few jobs I understood that everyone is unique. And that the foundation that my parents relationship with me was built on was weak from the start. To realize that took me many years. The harm they brought upon me by their decisions and comments about the way I live my life, raise my kids ... it will be there forever. Because just like in marriage I need to feel that someone is watching my back, not that they will throw a tantrum or manipulate me into acting a specific way at their whims.
In a bigger body beats the same heart that always wanted to embrace the world.
As a kid I used to be obedient. Even if I did not like something I still listened to the adults and kids around me. I used to feel like in a daze as a child. I did not see a future. I did not imagine myself as an adult. Everything felt blurry. For me coming to Sweden was like getting a library for free. My teachers were nice and slowly but steady I made progress. I remember looking at my mom wanting her to cheer for me but she was never there. We never had food prepared before leaving to school or coming back from it. We were never having snacks prepared for our school trips. I always did my homework by myself and tried to help my brother. So it actually hurts when a person that did not do her job right comments on the way you handle things. Same goes for my dad. He was absent most of my life, even when I tried to stay close as a growing child by making plans to meet, he would always find a reason to not do that. None of them was there when I was 7 but everyone wants to be there when I am 27. People have gone mad! I've already build the house construction. To be honest it collapsed and I rebuild it starting from scratch. For me it's not about what others want anymore. It's about what they say and if I resonate with it or not. Being my parent does not give anyone the authority to rule my life. Sure I can listen but the decision making is on me and nobody else. You don't have to agree but keep your ego, greed and hate to yourself. I'm not worse just because I am from Poland but I fall in love with foreigners. I'm actually good. Jesus teaches us to love equally. I've never read Quran or Torah or any of the other religious scripts out there except Bible but I'm pretty sure they teach about love to another human too.
I was a toodler for a very long time. But not anymore. My body have changed, I've become more mature and aware of my needs as well as responsibilities. But my heart is the same as 20 years ago. I still yearn for time. I still need to be cared for. I still want to feel loved and love everyone without looking at our differences as an obstacle because in the end of our life's we all meet in the same place.
As a 27 years old I don't have any tolerance for discrimination, racism and boycotting. My actions won't always turn out right but my heart always wants to do the right thing no matter if its my kids, my ex, siblings, parents or Ahad. Many people won't bravely be on my side because they know shit happens and confidence with ego collides too often but they will not scold me either. They know I'm an adult. "How I make my bed is how I will end up sleeping". There is no need for drama, assumptions and baseless actions. Why make a needle into pitchfork? Even toodlers fall down before they learn how to walk.
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