Tonight I am going back to the organization that advised us last time, the people that told us if my boyfriend's plea for asylum gets denied, he will have to leave the country.

I am very nervous. I will probably be going on my own because my boyfriend doesn't want to deal with this right now, which is perfectly understandable. I am still nervous as heck though.

I am scared they will be able to make him go back to Iraq. That really, really scares me. I am trying to think positive and this kind of thinking is successful most of the time. But sometimes I am back to running circles in my head, going, "Where will he go? Will our relationship be over? Will he be safe? WILL HE BE SAFE?!"

I am scared he won't be safe and there will be nothing I can do because I will be in a different country. ... I am really scared for him.

It's time to walk the dogs in a few minutes. I also need to go to my gp to get a prescription for my psych meds. I am so tired already and I just got up! The nightmares are still chasing me every night. Most of the time I thankfully don't remember anything but the fear.

We still don't have a job offer for him. He wanted to apply for a job last night, but by the time we got around to doing it together, the job was already taken. I am so tired of this constant see-saw of hope-disappointment. It's so so tiring.

And my headmates are going a little crazy, too. I think especially the littles are having a hard time of it because I get a lot of urges to play. And I know... I KNOW I should just give in and let them have their time out of our head and in the body to do whatever they want to do - relaxing and playing is something we ALL could use right now - but it's so difficult to let it happen. I am trying to "manage" way too much right now.

I am so overwhelmed. And I feel so scared. Ugh!

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