Bear with me for this post because it has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart lately. I've went around and around with posting this because " what if people don't think I'm the perfect parent" or "what if people judge me because of it" well, I'm done with the what-ifs and I'm owning what my truth is.

I quit my job at about 7 months pregnant with my first child and then found a work from home position within 5 months after he was born. With being home all the time, I thought I would have all this time to be the perfect parent. Only eating healthy snacks, doing sensory or developmental activities everyday, I would meal prep and join my step son's PTA.

I learned that nothing never gets done with more than one kid

At the time, my step son had just entered preschool so I only had my newborn home for most of the time, I changed thousands of diapers, made meals and bottles and then when my step son came home, we would do homework or talk about why he acted out at school since he had a practically rough first ever year of school.

I never got anything done that I planned on doing before. I never meal prepped, I never did sensory activities as much as I wanted to, I barely cleaned most of the time because I was too busy watching my son play and grow. I waited. I waited everyday for my husband to get home so I could have a break or so I could shower by myself, relax, change out of my baby spit up covered pajamas, or sometimes, I wanted to scream at him for never helping me with the baby.

I had a stay at home job, a young baby and I had no idea what I was doing with my life... so I started drinking, a lot. I was so use to being around so many people at my job and that when I started staying home and hardly having no adult interaction, it took a huge toll on my anxiety, which says a lot because I've dealt with anxiety, depression and ADHD since I was 10 without any form of relief, other than alcohol.

I kept telling myself, this is normal. I would see characters drinking in Grey's Anatomy or Supernatural and think "ok, this is normal, every adult does it". I thought that when I drank, it was my relaxation time since my mind constantly wants to go a thousand miles a minute and I could finally just chill out. I'd see so many post from my mom groups saying "its wine o clock" or "mommy's juice" which would just reinforce that its normal.

Instead of being an "adult" I was drinking my way through my children growing up. Just because I didn't day drink and only drank at night, I thought I didn't have a problem or that it was normal. It isn't.

When I woke up, mildly hungover, I was filled with guilt. My heart pounding and promising myself that I wouldn't do it again tonight. Well, I did do it again. It was a never ending cycle of Anxiety (some caused by the drinking/hangover)- drinking- feeling like crap- anxiety-drinking.... and it just kept going. When I drank, it made me feel "normal" and "calm".

It got to the point where I could no longer deny what was happening

My dad was a life long alcoholic, and I didn't want to follow in his footsteps but I thought I had it under control just because I was drink at night. All the mommy group wine memes I seen was just making be a good parent harder because of waking up with a pounding headache or just feeling like crap in general. Drinking made me irritable and snappy with my children.

I am now 20 days completely sober. Parenting hasn't gotten easier but with alcohol being involved, I'm just much better at it. I'm not drinking away their little moments that I don't want to forget, I'm watching them grow and learn and become adults and it is the most precious thing I have ever gotten to experience.

Why did I decide to get sober

I started going to a doctor for depression and anxiety as well as binge eating. Within a month a half, of being on medication for the depression and anxiety, I admitted to her that I had a problem. She responded with "I know we've been tiptoeing around the subject but I'm glad you finally said it" or something along those lines. She gave me medicine to help with the withdrawals, which I thankfully, didn't have and said that we will get through this. And we are.

Without alcohol, it seems to have intensified my anxiety and my panic attacks and it seems like I can never sit still or just chill out and relax because I'm constantly going or moving, hell I'm typing this up at 2:30 AM on a Sunday night. All the emotions I was trying to cover up with drinking is just coming back, and coming back hard. I'm willing to suffer through a few months of hell to have a lifetime of happiness and joy but thanks to my doctor, I don't have to. I'm now on a medicine that helps with the alcohol craving, which I don't really crave anymore so I guess its job is being done.

If you are suffering with addiction or alcohol abuse, please reach out to your doctor. They will be able to help you beyond what you think is possible. They aren't there to judge you, they are there to help you. Here's to many more years of being alcohol free to come!