I am trying to understand what's happening to me. I feel awful. Depressed, listless, overwhelmed. I am an anxious, unhappy mess. And I should be feeling happy, elated, excited! I don't know what's going on!
I spent most of yesterday working on my text for the reading because the person that invited me said she wants to at least know what the text is about because she needs to write an introduction by Thursday and to please send her what I have right away. So I spent another hour or so working over it and sent it off. I am still waiting for her verdict on whether what I sent her is a stupid thing to write, altogether much too personal, or whether it gets an "OK" from her.

Maybe that's what's getting me down. That she hasn't "OK"ed it yet. Because I am really anxious about how personal the text turned out to be. But then again, I am thinking of writing a memoir one day, so personal is kind of my thing.

But what if she expected more of a story than a glimpse into a situation? Truly though I only get 8 minutes of reading time ... I guess I could tell a quick story in that time but ... oh I don't know. I am driving myself crazy here. I am still convinced that I should not be "playing with the big people". That I am not good enough and that she will be embarrassed and disappointed she ever invited me.

Impostor syndrome they call it - yet I don't even deserve that title because I AM an impostor. I haven't published a single thing yet! Should I be playing with the big people?

I am terrified, truly terrified. Not so much about reading in the public space - and an important public space, too! (highly friggin official) But I suppose that will come in time, too. Right now I am terrified I've messed up horribly.

I try to tell myself: if she doesn't like it, that's okay. I can write something else. If she un-invites me, that's not the end of the world either.

I am just so ... confused about how I am feeling! Why am I not more excited and happy? I spent ALL DAY writing yesterday and it felt GREAT! Why am I not feeling the warm afterglow of this happiness?

And what can I do to get out of this funk I am in? I am thinking of hiding in bed, inside a book (I am reading The Fellowship of the Ring right now - which I've never read (yeah I know, I am shocked, too! lol)). Later I want to go to the city to continue to work my way through my mom's boss' library and sort his books. If I can't pull myself together in the next hour or so I don't really know how I'll do that because my train leaves in a bit more than two hours...

I can't find a solution to this right now. I guess I'll go and try to read a bit because everything else - like showering and getting ready - is not really something I can do right now. And breathe... it'll all be okay one way or another.

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