I have been sooooo stressed out but today is the first day where I kind of breathe easier.
Daisy's paw is getting better. Lucky ate all of her food today. She got antibiotics from the vet and I hope she'll get better and better on them. She drank from a puddle on Wednesday night and threw up a few times and since then her eating was on and off. So I took her to the vet yesterday. We had also sent in some tissue to a lab because I felt her vaginitis was still not gone and it came back yesterday and indeed she still has a bunch of bacteria there. So maybe the not-eating is from that. I don't know and neither does the vet, but she needs the antibiotics, so we'll go from here. We're keeping an eye on her.
My boyfriend's future move to the city is triggering all kinds of abandonment issues that I am trying to cope with. I am still scared about it but there's not much I can do about it. I can't afford to move back to the city even if I wanted to (and I do not), so we'll have an hour distance between us some day ... I'm trying to see it as not a big deal. Whether it will be or not ... time will tell.
The constant going to the vet drained all my meager savings that I accumulated - and I was so happy to be so "rich" lol. I guess different times will come.
I've also been stressed about knowing that after my two girls are gone, I won't be able to afford another dog. My mom's going to retire soon-ish, and I still have therapy to pay for. Her retirement is not big enough to support both and my money doesn't even begin to cover ANY of it. So after my two girls are gone (the big one's around eight now, and the little one ten), there will be no more dogs in my life unless I somehow manage to win the lottery or something. It's making me really sad. Because I thought, well, I'll go without dogs for a while and see how I do and if I can't do it, I'll get a dog from a rescue somewhere. But I have come to the realization: I can't afford another dog.
So, soon my boyfriend will be moving out and in some point in the nearer future, my apartment will be empty: no boyfriend, no dog. But there's no use in worrying about this now. Maybe by then I'll be able to work, and will have a full circle of friends to meet and will go out again and do fun things. It might not be all bad. In fact, it might make some things easier, so I am keeping my chin up and try to enjoy the time we still have together.
Hard times are coming finance wise anyway. Everything is getting more expensive, food, dog food, electricity and heating, and everything else, too. But we're not getting more money. So money worries have not been exactly second place. And having to go to the vet all the time ... ugh. It just sucks. I am lucky because I have my mom who helps me out, otherwise I'd be in deep shit.
The DID troubles aren't helping either. I don't dissociate so much anymore in the past few days, but I worry about that. I do remember things better, haven't "lost" much time since I tried to deal with one particular series of events in the last few days. But it still worries me. I know I need to keep on top of that.
I also finally quit my volunteer job a few days ago, and applied for a new one on Friday. I haven't heard from them yet, so I might look for something a little closer to home, maybe the next big city. The one I already applied for was helping kids till the age of 15 to study for school and teaching them how to be organized and study by themselves. It sounds fun. We'll see. It's not easy to find volunteer opportunities here. There's a big website for the city I lived in which is the biggest city in my country, but there's nothing like that for the smaller cities. So it might take me a while to find something.
Thinking about all of this really makes me want to be ready to just WORK. I want to work full time to make my own money and not be worried all the time about it. Also I'd like to be integrated in society again. I'd like to have daily small talk about unimportant stuff again, have colleagues to get to know, have challenges every day, do something with my days again. Volunteer jobs are good, but they can only go so far. I WISH I would be somewhere CLOSE to working full time. As it is, I'll be lucky if I can do my ten hours a week. Sometimes that's really frustrating.
But my therapist is right: concentrate on all I CAN do and all the opportunities this gives me to do the things I enjoy ...
I need to look at the "bright side" of things. Right now I am really losing sight of the bright side. But I have learned it's a matter of directed focus. So I am going to try harder. Things won't be this bleak all the time (and I had a random suicide thought the other day when things were just becoming TOO MUCH - that gave me a bit of a scare). Some of this stuff is not quite as bleak as I make it out to be. We'll be okay. I just gotta keep redirecting my focus, and breathe.
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