Thyself!
Self discovery is an interesting journey. For some, it's a wonderful trip with straightforward, often enlightening experiences. Each new facet unfolds to reveal a wonderful aspect of self.
And then, there's me. My journey of self discovery looks like the chaotic doodles of a toddler let loose with a sharpie marker on clean walls. There are no straight lines. Points loop and intersect. Somewhere the lines break and new ones start a whole new path.
When I was younger, I tried to make my path look like everyone else's. Get top marks in school. Wear these clothes. Talk this way. Act like this. Watch this show. I had no true identity of my own. There were things happening at home that didn't want others to see. Blending in was the best way to keep people from looking too closely and I was a master chameleon.
As I grew into adulthood, I realized I had no clue who I was. I didn't know what I liked so I continued to like what everyone around me liked. I struggled for years trying to unravel the mess of my life and answer that age old question….who am I?
It wasn't until my marriage all but fell apart that I really started to seriously dive into that question. I had to open that extending file cabinet of my life, really root around, and pull out who I am. It was hard. At times, deeply painful. But, it has been worth it.
This past weekend I competed for the title of Mrs. Indiana. Oh boy, when I say you have to understand yourself to compete in a pageant, I am not kidding. I found myself surrounded by beautiful, successful, talented, amazing women. Ten years ago, I would have immediately packed my bags and went home. Comparison was a monster that held me hostage often. Five years ago, I would have stayed but spent more time in my own head than in the experience. Instead, I enjoyed every moment of it. I walked the stage, under blinding lights, wearing a swimsuit and a fitted gown, confidently with my head held high. I owned every inch of myself in those moments.
I no longer strive to be like other people around me. I simply strive to be the best version of me. And I had to find out who I was to do that. I am a blue jean and T-shirt wearing work from home author who enjoys food and family time. I'm an obsessively organized pastors wife who loves action movies and pageant glam. I'm a book nerd who bakes melt-in-your-mouth chocolate chip cookies and can often be caught singing and dancing randomly - including in the grocery store. I am a daughter of the King and a fierce protector of my children.
As a mom, I've tried my best to guide my kids so they don't have such a hard time knowing themselves. Like most, they want to fit in. That's fine. But, I always remind them they are unique and fitting in isn't always best. Now, with the baby of the bunch, my beautiful middle school daughter, I'm always encouraging her to be herself. Be the tomboy who skateboards. And the pretty girl who does better makeup than I do. Watch the quirky show, giggle at the kids movie, let your curly hair flow!
I know what it's like not allowing oneself to discover just who they are supposed to be. If I can save my kids that confusion, I'll do it. Hopefully, as they step into the new phases of their lives they will go in, both eyes open, knowing who they are.
I'm just me!
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