I want to start off by saying Thank You. Thank you for treating me the way you did. Thank you for using me how you did because you were bored, lonely, waiting for someone better or waiting for things to get better in your current situation.
Maybe it was my fault. Thinking you all wouldn't use a person how you did. Maybe I cared too much or gave too much of myself away too quickly. Maybe I let you guys in without waiting to see if you would stay around.
Some people say it's my fault. That I was lonely and just needed the attention. But if you know me, you'll know I don't like attention. Because then people will start looking at me and probably judging me. I'm usually always lonely. It sucks when you never have had a guy stick around long enough.
But this is a letter to all those men in the past. I need to get over how you treated me. I need to realize maybe it wasn't my fault, maybe there isn't anything wrong with me. Maybe it was all on you.
But you hurt me. You had me thinking I was special, that I was worth something and that I was enough. You let me think I was beautiful maybe even sexy. But you taught me a valuable lesson. You taught me that I need to take what most men say with a grain of salt. It's misleading.
You all made me think I wasn't enough, that no man would ever love me, would ever want to date me. You made me doubt myself with everyone. You move on thinking you did nothing wrong because you got what you wanted in the end. But not me. All I got was insecurities, heartbreak and lessons.
Life isn't fair, it's hard and ugly. It knocks people down non stop. Once you get back up it will knock you down again.
I grew up wanting that fantasy, love of my life, my soulmate. Things I don't believe in anymore. Well a part of me thinks I found a soulmate (not a friend soulmate). But that doesn't matter. I wanted marriage, kids, those romantic dates, random drives, hand holding, kissing randomly, cuddling on the couch just watching movies on a Friday night.
But those men let me know that I'm not going to get it. I'm a friend not a girlfriend. So thank you. Thank you for making me feel less then. Thank you for letting me think no guy would actually want to do those things with me.
You all taught me so many lessons. But because of all the crappy men, I know that at some point that to someone, I'll be enough. I'll be worth it. And they will find me beautiful, breathtaking, gorgeous and maybe even sexy no matter how my body looks.
Sincerely trying to believe,
Me
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