While reading a book about Ikigai, or the Japanese concept of our sense of purpose or reason for being, the end of the book brings a new term called "Wabi-Sabi" to me.
Wabi-Sabi can be explained as "wisdom in natural simplicity" or "flawed beauty."
This concept was introduced at the end of their book where discussion surrounding the impermanence of things, and as I listened to the concept surrounding finding purpose in our lives as flawed and imperfect people ABDL came to mind.
It wasn't until I was able to allow my brain to find the beautiful in the imperfect with myself wanting to wear a diaper that any form of acceptance or understanding was possible. I had been so previously focused on how unacceptable that I was to myself and the rest of the world that no growth was possible (I didn't allow that space to exist, so how could growth possibly occur?).
I can remember the business trip that I was on when this breakthrough occurred. I was alone in my hotel room with a splitting migraine. It was the middle of the night, and I couldn't sleep. During a certain kind of migraine that I get I am wide awake with my brain wanting attention, information, and interaction but my eyes scream at anything but darkness.
Here, in this dark and hellish, nightmare of an evening/early morning I got out my iPad and began searching for people that had either been able rid themselves of ABDL or that had found acceptance. My search delved down various rabbit holes where I was looking to see if people of faith had any difference in experience or outcome in their search for understanding. Would and could the Gospel of Jesus Christ help me find deeper understanding and peace with this part of my life as it had with so many other things?
It was at this time that I read a few blogspot pages that had long since gone inactive of people with similar struggles as me. They didn't see themselves living what the Internet commonly projects as ABDL acceptance, where it was "little side takeover" and a public life as an ABDL. In the midst of these blogs I found Liam speaking of his own journey of trying to understand and control why he wanted to wear diapers. He titles his journey as a "recovering diaper lover" and it was a bit misleading to me because I didn't want to go down another blog where someone was trying to force this out of themselves.
I had tried too many times to make it go away, and here I was painfully looking for something else (almost any other way). Reading a bit of his journey I was able to see where he had a change in his life where embracing himself as a diaper lover occurred. One blogspot in particular really hit me chronicling the struggle of a younger ABDL for some semblance of understanding why their brain kept telling them "I want to wear diapers." The final post of this person showed a picture of them wearing onesie PJs and a single statement, "acceptance/peace."
This voice, as well as a few others, showed a point where accepting themselves led to peace. In this moment, in pain, I allowed the concept of acceptance to enter my mind. Instead of running away from diapers and trying to shut/force out feelings I'd had for decades I could allow myself to be vulnerable and consider diapers a part of who I am.
Could diapers be an acceptable part of my life?! Could I wear a diaper and still live the life I wanted to?! Was wearing a diaper and being worthy of living the Gospel of Jesus Christ the way I was trying to possible?! Slowly, I have learned that the answer to each of these is yes.
There are times when I still feel that "I want diapers, but I don't want to want diapers" and I feel that is normal. We all have parts of ourselves that are not our favorite, and that is where wabi-sabi comes back into focus.
I am imperfect, I am flawed. Allowing ourselves to embrace, accept, and then understand these flaws are part of what makes us who we are provides the opportunities for growth to occur. In that dark room I planted the seed that expressing myself (at first internally) with diapers in a positive way was something I needed to do. From that seed has grown my own acceptance, my blog and Discord Server, the acceptance and embracing of my wife as an Adult Baby.
I have been able to find the beauty in me wearing a diaper. I have found the power, comfort, and peace they can provide me. I have grasped my "why" regarding wanting to wear a diaper.
What I felt and perceived as an unacceptable flaw is really a beautiful part of who I am. I can be the person that I want to be while wearing a diaper. I continue to work on how they are part of my life, but it is something I can control and use as a tool. It doesn't have to be out of control, and there is so much power once we can understand that. We run away from it and hide it from ourselves because we are scared of it or don't understand it. I know I did for a LONG time.
Don't beat yourself up because you are flawed.
Love yourself because you are flawed!
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