I was worried about not sleeping well Friday night, after that long, stressful drive in the snow. My stress flare-ups often affect my sleep, but I ended up sleeping like a log. I guess I was so overwrought that my sleep center took over, and said, "knock her out boys, she needs a break!" Whatever brought on that blissful night, I am grateful. I was able to function well enough to attend the Heaven's Gain fundraiser event on Saturday evening, with a friend. She even offered to come and pick me up, and drive us to the event. What a gift that was, because by then, the dizziness was coming back. But, I did get in a bit of crazy, old lady dancing with friends later in the evening, and that made me smile!
Let me tell you a little bit about Heaven's Gain, because it is an AMAZING ministry, which helps guide couples through a pregnancy loss experience (and beyond!) The founders, Jim & Donna Murphy, experienced their own losses many years ago, and realized that there was no place to turn for help and advice. When they needed a casket for their tiny baby, they had to do their own problem solving by finding a small, wooden container at World Market, that was the right size, and had a hinged lid. Then Donna made a little pillow on which to lay their baby's body. It gave them peace to have a respectful looking "casket" in which they could give their little one a proper funeral Mass and burial.
From their experiences, they eventually felt called to start a ministry that would help those experiencing pregnancy loss. In the years that followed, they have built a team that covers every aspect of pregnancy loss, including a catalog of beautiful caskets of every size, providing for fetuses of any "age," so that all parents in such a situation can at least have the satisfaction of a proper burial.
From there, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, they branched out, offering in-house pregnancy loss support groups, with Donna and other staff members on the phone providing long-distance comfort advice, and counseling. Slowly, they began to realize that hospitals and funeral homes needed training and advice about how to best serve families suffering from pregnancy loss. They also guide pro-life groups wanting to offer support to such families, equipping these groups with the knowledge and skills to help couples "own their experience," and take control over how they work their way through the initial loss, without bossy and misinformed hospital staff coming into that space and minimizing the loss, or taking the baby away. It used to be that most hospitals immediately took the baby away, the body being treated as medical waste. That is sickening, to treat a wanted child, lost through miscarriage, as medical waste, and to take away precious time after the birth of a stillborn baby, when the family should be given time to hold their child, and be given time to grieve, take pictures, and even bring in older siblings and other family members to say their "hellos & good-byes." Most hospitals now refrain from that uninformed practice, and many states now have laws that prohibit it from taking place, but there are still some states that allow that to continue.
Just last year, at the end of February, our family experienced a pregnancy loss. My daughter and her husband lost a baby at 23 weeks gestational age. It was very painful for all of us. Their 3 oldest children were able to go to the hospital and hold their baby sister, traveling through the grief in the healthiest of ways. The local grandparents also got to hold the baby. Unfortunately, we had a 12 hour drive to get there, and were unable to grieve with them in that tangible way, although we did see many photos of the baby and the family members holding her, photos taken by a local support group. That group also sent out volunteers to the funeral and to the burial. There were literally thousands of photos, many of which I downloaded to have as my "forever memories" of little Ruth (until we meet in person, someday in heaven!)
Last night at the fundraiser, all of the sorrow of my daughter's baby loss welled up in me (perhaps because I missed out on being there with them through the grieving time that the hospital staff blessed them with). Listening to stories of other couple's losses helped me to release a lot of the grief still locked up within me. I usually have handkerchiefs in my purse, but I didn't pack any last night. Thankfully, a woman at our table had a small pack of tissues to give me. That experience just underscored, for me, the great need of these families to be allowed and enabled, to know their rights, and to do everything that they feel the need to do in the short time given to them with their babies. Pregnancy loss is real loss, and that needs to be understood and provided for, as the first step in healing for these families. Recently, I read in the local news that a hospital here in Cincinnati is the first hospital to set aside special rooms for parents grieving the loss of a pregnancy. I'm quite certain that Heaven's Gain helped bring about that kind of positive change, and hopefully it will be a growing trend in the years to come, with hospital staff becoming more and more respectful and sensitive to this kind of situation.
As for me and my husband, our grieving and remembrance comes from a framed "memorial print" that my husband made to hang on our wall, near our Marian home shrine. (The one decade rosary hanging on the right edge was made using funeral flowers, encased in clear resin, made by a lady that my daughter found online, who provides that special item for families. (While still there with my daughter, I had the job of packing up all of the flowers to send to that lady, and was relieved to get the news that they all arrived in lovely condition. My one, important job, and I nailed it! Whew!
If you ever go through such a loss, know that there are organizations and other people who understand, and who care about you, and who want to help you live in the moment, and travel through your loss with love, support, dignity and compassion. And Your first step should always be making contact with Heaven's Gain.org or by calling them at 5136076083
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