I am forcing myself to write something, anything, as I've been away from my creative side for far too long now. Its easy to blame the lack of trying on one thing or another but it's clearly my apathy taking hold. I have ALWAYS struggled with apathy but since I've lost David I believe it's now my fucking religion. I won't say I no longer have a purpose so much as I realize I never really had one in the first place. I became so attached to David because he made me feel I finally had a purpose in some fashion - it was him. He wanted that, I needed it, so it worked great for both of us. But since his absence I have yet to find my real purpose and am now drifting deep into the void of internal apathy on my rig of idgaf.
I have tried to do what I always have done when someone isn't filling my void (teehee!😈) which is turn my employment into my purpose. But I have learned that that isn't it either. So if it's not a man or working then wtf is it?! I feel completely lost and profoundly useless. And I am sorry but charity work is not a real thing for me. I can't even take care of myself and you want me to give my time to someone else I don't know in place of learning to take care of myself?! Greedy? Fine! Selfish? Perhaps. What makes it those things is that when I do have the time to "take care of me" I usually go back to what I enjoy, or is the easiest based on habitual conditioning, but isn't the most constructive, beneficial or healthiest thing I could do. To be fair…IM NOT MOTHER FUCKING THERESA HERE! I am simply human and the most basic version at best. I suppose I could focus on what makes me happy.
What makes me happy you ask? I like doing quiet stuff like watching movies, eating delicious food, trying out cocktails at a dark bougie bar, going to jazz clubs or exploring a museum. I love cross country drives solo, sitting in a beautiful spot and taking in the natural surroundings, listening to the wind, laying on my floor and watching the sun move across my ceiling. I adore cloud watching, star gazing and once in a great while, writing. I'm simple and easy (not like a whore or anything). But the things that make me happy don't quite provide purpose to my existence. Hmmm. Well…maybe I'm meant to learn to just live and enjoy life without weighing myself down with purpose? I can't imagine that would be it. But, why couldn't it be? Who's to say what purpose were meant to serve anyhow? Why automatically go for the "gold"and get inserted into a history book?! I don't even want that. I'm good with living this life and moving on. I'm good with the fact that I'm not universally (or whatever) known. I don't even want that. That's horrifying!! Not to mention that sounds like the "person's" purpose and I'm looking more for my soul. I could see learning to break the imaginary, societal bonds of "purpose" on a human level to aspire to a more soulful standard of living being a great true purpose. But maybe that's just me blowing smoke just to make my decisions and who I am easier to digest? Either way, a "person's" purpose to live in infamy and carving a place in history for my life choices is not my idea of good living.
Quiet. Simple. Mine. That's it. That's all I want. I gather the question, really, is how do I achieve that in ALL aspects of my life? How can I become ok with the way I serve my time when it isn't something that makes me happy or ignites my soul?! I love how I managed to bring it all back to work. 🙄 Ofc I did. Urgh! Well c'mon now! Isn't life work in one way or another?! Ok now I'm just playing semantics against myself. We're done here, I think.
I will say that part regarding purpose and how I VIEW IT, that is something I think I should dwell upon. Funny how we can reach a pivotal point, an epiphany, have a complete breakthrough, or down, inadvertently while doing to something to fill the time. Kinda crazy how life works.
"Man often meets his destiny on the road trying to avoid it." - the kung fu turtle
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