Over the past few years, since I re-entered the dating world, I've become a student of relationship coaches. I've watched Youtube videos, listened to podcasts, and read email newsletters with varying topics. One of the pieces of wisdom, that seems appropriate for me after being used to the same partner-- my husband of forty years, is not to expect the next person to be like the former. In fact, it's said that maybe you should be looking for someone not like that person---since it obviously didn't work out.
(I just liked this photo--even if it may not completely relate to what I just wrote. Or maybe it does-- the giraffes' accepting each other's spots 
Coaches talk about dealing with differences, but not overly focusing on negative aspects--unless they're Red Flags that are warning signs of a problematic relationship. Instead, it's advised that you see the positive things that guy provides and let him know what you appreciate. That sounds a lot like the parental advice we received when our children were young, to "catch them doing something good and praise them at that moment."
I've heard the saying, "what you focus on grows." I did an internet search and found it attributed to Robin S. Sharma, a Canadian writer and international speaker, who is a top leadership and personal mastery expert. On his site, I found the rest of that quote:
"What you focus on grows, what you think about expands, and what you dwell upon determines your destiny." Robin S. Sharma. Featured in: Robin S. Sharma Quotes
I know that as an individual, I struggle with being judgmental; at times in my ego-driven self, I'm quick to look for others' faults while I overlook my own. In my July 14th morning reading from Sarah Young's Jesus Listens devotional, I saw myself on the page. Sarah wrote, "When I'm around someone who irritates me, I'm prone to focus on that person's flaws. Instead of this negative focus, I need to gaze at You (Christ) through the eyes of my heart and let those irritants wash over me without sinking in."
In one of the scripture verses for that day, Matthew 7:1 (NIV) it speaks to not judging others "or you too will be judged" and later, in verse 3, is the oft-quoted source for looking at yourself first: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
I look back and think about how many times I've focused on another person's irritating behavior and how what I focused on grew; meanwhile, there was no change within me. It didn't occur to me to focus on any other characteristic of that person. I know the same thing happens in relationships with spouses, with partners, and over time that erodes the relationship. Time is spent on the negative instead of increasing the positive.
Recently, I started watching the show Virgin River on Netflix. I'd seen it a couple of years ago and wanted to go back to that romantic drama with the gorgeous setting in the Pacific Northwest.
Photo by Greg Shine, BLM
When I first watched Virgin River, I could barely tolerate the character, Hope. She's the town's mayor and separated-for-twenty years, wife of Doc Mullins. When I last saw it, her twitchy-busybody-controlling self made me want to stop watching. But this time, I knew what to expect. Now, my viewpoint is that even with her poor boundaries, she does things that are good for the town, and she knows what Doc Mullins needs. It's the same show but I have a different perspective; I'm not so focused on Hope's irritating mannerisms and behaviors.
In online dating, you go through lots of profile pictures and descriptions to figure out if that person's someone you'd like to meet. I've tried to explain to folks who are my age and have never done this, that it's a lot different from dating when we were young. Back then, you often had a more total picture of the person before you said "yes" to a first date. It was likely you'd met them at school, church, work, or out in the community. You knew what they looked like, the way they talked, the interests they had by who they hung out with. If you were friends first, you would have known endearing characteristics that made you overlook a physical imperfection that had first caught your eye.
But when all you have are photos, and for many men--they're Selfie's that aren't a great quality, you can make a quick judgment and rule out that guy. There may be a single characteristic that isn't attractive in your eyes, and it becomes your focus. You may miss the chance to know a guy with endearing qualities that are just what you need.
I know a single woman, who is my age, and she finds a man in her social circle attractive in many ways. They have a lot in common, can talk easily, but there's one quality that keeps her from getting to know him further; he has big ears.
"He may be a lot of fun to go out with," she told me. "But I just can't get passed his ears."
What she focus on GROWS 
I've spoken to how this impacts how we see others, but it also impacts how we see ourselves. When we were teenagers, anticipating a big date, and a pimple erupted from out of nowhere, that is all we saw on our face. It didn't matter that overall, we had clear skin, a warm smile, dazzling eyes--or other facial qualities we liked. All we saw, all we focused on, was that blemish.
The same thing can happen at 68. With my 50th High School Reunion coming up, if I notice a new age spot on my face, that might be what I focus on. I won't see, looking back in my mirror, a fortunate woman, healthy enough to participate in this gathering. I won't consider how resilient I am remembering all the 'dents and dings' of the fifty years since I walked across the stage to receive my diploma. What we focus on grows.
I want to start catching myself when I'm focused on a negative characteristic. If it's something that truly matters--then I need to figure out what's my best way to respond. If it's just a matter of personal taste, familiarity, or habitual choices, then I need to adjust my focus onto other qualities. Maybe that's when I need to move onto Robin Sharma's next part of the quote, "what you think about expands."
Best to you in the week ahead as you consider what you focus on,
Connie
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