Losing someone we love, is never easy, especially when it's due to illness, and the person you loved dearly, had been really watchful of her/his own health, exercised regularly, eaten healthy, taking good care of her/his body, and then, CANCER still, HIT! But you will, grieve and heal, and grieve, and heal a little, each and every day, until one day, when you think about that person you love so dearly, you don't feel sad anymore…translated…
I'm afraid, that I might, forget about this one day, that's why, I'd started, jotting down this, memory.
"When will I get to, leave here?", "Leave? You mean away from the hospital and go home? Sure, certainly, we'd already discussed it with the doctor, these few days, we'll be, filing for your discharge papers from the hospital, so you can go home to, rest~~~"
"To heaven!"
That was, the final conversation my husband had with, us. I knew, if it wasn't that he'd felt, gravely, ill, he who loves us too much, who cherished being alive, will NEVER, have this thought. That very day, my husband, was, gone.
At the terminal stage of his cancer, I can only imagine, how much pain he must've been, in. In our, hearts too.
Although my husband is very optimistic, and not fought fate at all. But I'd felt that he was taken from us, way too soon, I'd still asked heavens, to this very day, "what sort of a joke are you, playing on, us all?"
My husband didn't drink, didn't smoke, loved exercising, was optimistic, with a great senses of humor, gone to his health checks like clockwork, but he'd, battled it out with his cancer for close to two whole years, then, he'd, died, had he lived for another whole year, he would've, made it to his, sixtieth.
Like usual, we'd gone to the E.R., because he wasn't, feeling, well, we'd hoped, that this time was like all the previous, two, three days' stay then he would be allowed to, come back home, but this time, he'd, stayed for a whole thirty-six days! And we'd started, struggling between taking him home to care for him, or keeping him in the hospital to continue his, treatments. Everybody stated that it'd strained the primary caretaker, but we'd come to know, that the one who'd gotten tried the most, was the, patient himself.
My husband is a good father, amazing husband, and took good care of his body regularly. So, we had nothing to complain about caring for him. I sat by the hospital bed, and thought, so long as he's still with us, even if I have to care for him in the hospital for long period of time, I'd be more than willing, to.
Recalled on the funeral, the announcer stated, "your children are all grown now, this is the time of your better years, and yet, you'd, left………", and every time I'd recalled this particular passage, my heart would, ache all over, again.
the cycle of grief by Kubler-Ross...found online
My husband retired at age fifty-five, he was already tried by his own blindness. He'd coexisted with glaucoma for more than twenty years already, although he had two surgeries, his optical nerves never recovered, and finally, it'd, affected his field of vision. His field of vision started narrowing little by little, in the end, he was diagnosed as severely visually impaired. I'd already vowed, to take his hand in mind, when he'd needed me, the most, and yet, we were, struck by the lightning of his, cancer diagnosis, and it was, the KING: pancreatic cancer too. Why are these, two most severe of all conditions, both happened to my, husband?
I can't see through life and death.
And, the understandings of life and death from a religious angle, don't help me one bit.
I thought I'd, let go already, and yet, the moment that came next, I'd felt my heart, aching, all over, again, and I can't control these tears of mine, and I got stuck in this, cycle of, grief.
So many T.V. shows told, after people are gone, they'd become a star high up in the skies. And so, I'd started, lifting my head to the night skies, through searching for my husband's star, to express how much I'd missed him, and hoped, that we can, meet back up again in my, dreams.
So, this is on losing one's spouse, and it is, too hard, losing someone you'd spent these years of your adult life with, and, you're still, grieving for his death, which is only, normal, and one day, with the passage of time, hopefully, you will be able to think about him, and, feel no sadness or sorrows, but joys, because of all those years you'd come to share as husband and wife together.
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